More Open.

Since I told my mom I have been more open about who I really am. I don't try to hide it as much. I don't broadcast it, but then again I will never do that. I just don't try to cover it up with excuses. Like "Oh I just haven't met the right girl yet" etc. I hate lying and even though I am not fully lying it still feels the same to me. I can't tell you how much just having this blog releases some of the stress I have had built up over the past few years. I have also met new friends, some even in person. It just feels so nice that I can be myself. Like it is a new chapter in my life.

I also found out today that my stepbrothers asked my mom and step dad if I was gay. Now of course my mom didn't say anything. But a encouraging sign was that my step dad told him " I don't know son." "Would you have a problem with that.". It eases my fear that my step dad would pretty much disown me. I sort of knew my stepbrother's wouldn't care.

I haven't had what you would call the best relationship with my step dad. Even though my real dad is a pure ass and I haven't had anything to do with him since I was younger. But my step dad does care and by the comment he made it shows me that he does. I have never called my step dad "dad". In part because I have a dad and the word is sort of a bad word for me because of my real dad's actions. But I think that after I come out to my step dad and if he accepts me for who I am. I may ask him if I can start calling him dad. He has cared for me and if he can accept me for who I am. Then in my book he would be a perfect dad.

But that also brings me to my next point. I hide my sexuality from my family really well. So well that I don't think they will believe me for the first few minutes when I tell them. I have covered my bases. From fake girlfriends to having girls call and text non stop for weeks on end. All to keep them off my back. But I think since I have started to let my guard down that some people are starting to go hmmm..... I wonder. But I wonder also..... about my younger step brother. Lately he has been doing an act if you will. He has been acting to his dad that he is gay and saying stuff such as "won't you love me if I was gay.". He does it sort of jokingly but with how much he jokes around with it, is it all just a way to judge reactions. My step dad asked my mom the other day if maybe she thought that my step brother was really gay. I am also wondering. That is a tactic that some will use. That way if it is a bad reaction you can always go "just kidding".

But that is another reason that I myself am judging my step dad's reaction. I think he will be ok with it. But at the same time, if he isn't then that is gonna send that message to my stepbrother if he is gay. I don't want the kid to clam up if he is really gay, just because of his father's reaction. I don't want him thinking that his father will hate him because of it.

I have told my mom that eventually I want to tell them as they deserve to know directly from me than by somebody else. So I am going to work with her on when the best time would be to let the "Cat out of the bag" so to speak. LOL

Also I just want to take this time to send a shout out to my mom who does read my blog. She told me that she didn't want to comment in case I didn't want her too. But I told her it was fine. But I want to put it in writing on this post just so she knows I really mean it.

So until next time....


~Lookinginlondon