Realizing myself and coming out

I have been bisexual since I was 13, and I knew it and accepted it easily enough. I was with a girl for the first time at that age, and I never once thought to stop and tell myself it was wrong. I embraced it with all of my being.

In late 2008, 3 1/2 years into my second marriage (a relationship that started in 2001) I started having feelings that went beyond just wanting to be with a woman sexually. Up till then, that was all there was. I started feeling that I wanted a relationship with a woman, the sex was not enough. As those feelings got stronger, my feelings toward my husband started to change as well. By Jan or Feb of 09 I was depressed and struggling with confusion over my thoughts and feelings, and in a weak drunk moment, I poured my heart out to my very unsuspecting husband.

He knew I was Bi, and was readily accepting of it, but I was not sure exactly how he would take it when I told him I wanted to try a relationship with a woman. Surprisingly he was accepting. He agreed that I should give it a try.

I looked around online to meet other women in the area, and found the perfect woman! She was not looking for love, and neither was I, just a close friendship that, if turned sexual, was fine with both of us. She shared a lot of common interests that I had, and we hit it off pretty well.

I am going to skip forward a couple of months, to the point that I realized I was in love with her. I was so confused once again about telling my husband, because I knew it was going to kill him. I was no longer able to have sex with him, because it just was not right in some way, so he already knew something was wrong. In May or June of 2009, I sat down with him and told him that I had finally come to the conclusion that I was a lesbian and that even though I did love him, I was not still in love with him and I wanted a divorce. {We separated in June and were divorce a year later.}

Now you have a little background, though there is really more to that story.

I knew who I was and what I needed to do. I had never kept anything so big from my family, and I knew that I had to tell them. I told my mother first in a very tearful phone call. She was the easiest, even though I was scared to death. She was VERY accepting and told me that she supported me in my choices, and even told me that she understood! The second person that I told was my grandmother. I explained everything to her, the relationship with my hubby, and about some things that happened to me when I was young. I laid my head on her lap and told her I was sorry if she was disappointed in me but that I had found someone that truly made me happy and that the person I loved was a woman. My 72 year old grandmother, though shocked at first, was also ok with it. After that it just got easier.

I started telling Aunts and Uncles and though they were not happy and had a few (quite a few) problems with it at first, they told me that they loved me no matter what, and even if they did not like it, they knew it was my decision.

The hardest part was yet to come. I had not yet told my father. I had been informed by the entire family that he would not accept it and that I could count him out of my life when I did tell him. I went to his house one day prepared for whatever might happen, and sat down first with my step mother. As soon as the words left my mouth, she said "You will not tell him that, not now, not ever!" I kept it to myself that day. On the 4th of July 09, I got a phone call form my dad. Someone had seen it on MySpace and passed it on to him. He informed me that I was no longer his daughter, never call never write, and never EVER come near him again. I was prepared for it, and even though it hurt SO bad, I told him that was his choice, and to have a nice life.

Well over a year later I do not regret my decision. I am very much in love with the same woman that made me realize who I am, and we are very happy together. She is not out to anyone, and we struggle with that daily, but we make it work, and to her family I am just her "best friend."
It is hard to have to hide my feelings around people that she knows, but I pull it off and we really do quite well. In early October, we exchanged rings to symbolize our commitment to each other and our love continues to grow, even though at times we do have our problems!

I have not spoken to my dad, but I have seen him 3 times. Once at a family get together and once at my sisters wedding. Neither time did I speak to him. Nor, he to me. On his birthday last week I sent him a message via facebook telling him that I loved him even if he could not accept me, and that I hoped he had a happy birthday. A couple of days later, he saw my girlfriend and I together for the first time as we were in Wal mart. Still nothing was said.

Since I first realized who I was, I have embraced it with open arms. I do still struggle with some sense of confusion at times. Wondering if I made the right choice, or if I could ever be with a man again, or if I even want to. I openly admit to people that I am a lesbian and I am PROUD!