We have moved to a new site! Come check us out.
www.GaysofKy.com
Monday, December 6, 2010
For LGBT teens, acceptance is critical
(CNN) -- Zac Brokenrope got called into the school office almost every day as a freshman in high school. His offense, he was told, was "acting gay."
"I would literally lay awake at night in bed, just (dreading) to go the next morning, wondering what I was going to get in trouble for that day, wondering if someone was going to say something on my behalf," said Brokenrope, now a junior at Boston University.
He says his parents felt embarrassed by him, and wouldn't permit him to start a gay-straight alliance group at the school. Brokenrope felt so alone, he contemplated suicide.
Brokenrope's experiences growing up in Nebraska resonate with two studies published Monday that present unprecedented insight into the challenges that lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender youth face.
Family acceptance of LGBT youth predicts positive outcomes in mental health, self esteem, and overall health status, finds a study in the Journal of Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Nursing. And nonheterosexual young people are more likely to receive punishments in a school or criminal justice setting, says a study in Pediatrics.
Based on interviews with self-identified LGBT young adults, researchers found that family acceptance seems to protect against suicidal thoughts and behaviors, as well as depression and substance abuse. The study comes from the Family Acceptance Project at San Francisco State University, which aims to increase support among families with LGBT children.
Gender ID disorder:mind-body disconnect "Imagine trying to put up a persona during the day, so you're not bullied by your peers," said Russell Hyken, teen psychologist and educational consultant in Saint Louis, Missouri. "To be able to come home and be who you are has got to make all the difference in the world to these kids."
But kids like Brokenrope (watch him speak at BU) and Katie Christie, a student at University of Tennessee at Chattanooga, didn't have that luxury. Christie, 22, who also struggled with an eating disorder, hid her sexuality from her parents until earlier this year.
"They told me that I'm not going to heaven anymore," said Christie, vice president of her school's gay-straight alliance. "We're trying to get to a point where we can respect each other."
Still, Christie feels a lot better now that her family knows, after having hidden from everyone for so long. Merely changing her "interested in" status on Facebook to "women" was "just so liberating," she said.
In the Pediatrics study, looking at students in grades 7 through 12, lesbian, gay and bisexual youth were up to three times more likely to have experienced school expulsions, police stops, juvenile arrests and adult convictions than heterosexual teens. And that's not because the first group had more transgressions, said lead study author Kathryn Himmelstein. This seems to be especially true for girls. In fact, lesbian, gay and bisexual youth engaged in less violent behavior than their peers.
The study did not, however, directly compare offenses with punishments. In other words, there's no way to know whether a heterosexual teen got a lighter punishment for any specific transgression than a lesbian, gay or bisexual teen.
It also did not look at the question of why. One speculation is that authorities are less likely to take into account mitigating factors when determining punishments for LGBT youth -- for instance, they could have been acting in self-defense, or other circumstances may have made the transgression less clear, Himmelstein said.
Institutions should look at whether this is disparity happening, if it's intentional, and what steps could be done to address it, so that all youth are treated fairly, she said.
Brokenrope's punishment for being gay was largely fear. The principal at his public school in Nebraska told Brokenrope he could be expelled for talking about his sexuality, and he was warned about his behavior -- that is, just being himself -- each time he was called in to the office.
Christie also bad experiences in high school: An ex-girlfriend told her band director that Christie was a lesbian, and the band director "told me how my sexual behavior wasn't going to be allowed his band anymore," Christie said.
"It's not just about these kids having issues at schools that lead to them getting in trouble and being punished, it's also about the environment these schools are creating, and the ability of all students to feel included and welcome," said Sarah Belton, an attorney and fellow of the nonprofit Equal Justice Works.
Belton knows of one case where a parent came on to the school's campus and made derogatory comments to an LGBT youth while administrators stood by.
Finding a group where you feel like you can be who you are is critical for LGBT teenagers, Hykken said.
Brokenrope's informal network of LGBT friends in Nebraska helped him get through high school. Before there were internet forums and Facebook groups dedicated to this kind of support, he would call or text friends of friends of friends who were in similar positions. He still doesn't know the real name of a kid in Omaha who spoke with him on the phone twice a week.
Today, there are numerous resources throughout the country such as the Trevor Project that provide support, in addition to the Gay-Straight Alliance Network and numerous groups at colleges and universities.
Teachers should get more education in the kinds of issues that LGBT youth might be facing, Christie said. They are often struggling with their identity and their fear of rejection from family, friends, and community groups. They may be questioning their sexual orientation, and not have anyone to talk to about it.
Brokenrope stresses to anyone who is having problems in adolescence to do whatever it takes to survive.
Today, Brokenrope is happy to be alive. His parents still aren't comfortable talking about his orientation, but have learned that it is part of his lifestyle, and things have gotten better with his relationship to them. He also credits college life in Boston for saving him. He especially enjoys being introduced to people as "this is Zac" instead of "this is Zac, he's gay," as he was in high school.
Brokenrope is also glad that LGBT mental health issues have achieved national attention and support.
"When I was growing up, I knew gay kids who had killed themselves. And it was really weird because now, everyone cares. There are all of these videos about it," he said. "But when I was in high school, it was another dead kid in rural Nebraska."
"I would literally lay awake at night in bed, just (dreading) to go the next morning, wondering what I was going to get in trouble for that day, wondering if someone was going to say something on my behalf," said Brokenrope, now a junior at Boston University.
He says his parents felt embarrassed by him, and wouldn't permit him to start a gay-straight alliance group at the school. Brokenrope felt so alone, he contemplated suicide.
Brokenrope's experiences growing up in Nebraska resonate with two studies published Monday that present unprecedented insight into the challenges that lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender youth face.
Family acceptance of LGBT youth predicts positive outcomes in mental health, self esteem, and overall health status, finds a study in the Journal of Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Nursing. And nonheterosexual young people are more likely to receive punishments in a school or criminal justice setting, says a study in Pediatrics.
Based on interviews with self-identified LGBT young adults, researchers found that family acceptance seems to protect against suicidal thoughts and behaviors, as well as depression and substance abuse. The study comes from the Family Acceptance Project at San Francisco State University, which aims to increase support among families with LGBT children.
Gender ID disorder:mind-body disconnect But kids like Brokenrope (watch him speak at BU) and Katie Christie, a student at University of Tennessee at Chattanooga, didn't have that luxury. Christie, 22, who also struggled with an eating disorder, hid her sexuality from her parents until earlier this year.
"They told me that I'm not going to heaven anymore," said Christie, vice president of her school's gay-straight alliance. "We're trying to get to a point where we can respect each other."
Still, Christie feels a lot better now that her family knows, after having hidden from everyone for so long. Merely changing her "interested in" status on Facebook to "women" was "just so liberating," she said.
In the Pediatrics study, looking at students in grades 7 through 12, lesbian, gay and bisexual youth were up to three times more likely to have experienced school expulsions, police stops, juvenile arrests and adult convictions than heterosexual teens. And that's not because the first group had more transgressions, said lead study author Kathryn Himmelstein. This seems to be especially true for girls. In fact, lesbian, gay and bisexual youth engaged in less violent behavior than their peers.
The study did not, however, directly compare offenses with punishments. In other words, there's no way to know whether a heterosexual teen got a lighter punishment for any specific transgression than a lesbian, gay or bisexual teen.
It also did not look at the question of why. One speculation is that authorities are less likely to take into account mitigating factors when determining punishments for LGBT youth -- for instance, they could have been acting in self-defense, or other circumstances may have made the transgression less clear, Himmelstein said.
Institutions should look at whether this is disparity happening, if it's intentional, and what steps could be done to address it, so that all youth are treated fairly, she said.
Brokenrope's punishment for being gay was largely fear. The principal at his public school in Nebraska told Brokenrope he could be expelled for talking about his sexuality, and he was warned about his behavior -- that is, just being himself -- each time he was called in to the office.
Christie also bad experiences in high school: An ex-girlfriend told her band director that Christie was a lesbian, and the band director "told me how my sexual behavior wasn't going to be allowed his band anymore," Christie said.
"It's not just about these kids having issues at schools that lead to them getting in trouble and being punished, it's also about the environment these schools are creating, and the ability of all students to feel included and welcome," said Sarah Belton, an attorney and fellow of the nonprofit Equal Justice Works.
Belton knows of one case where a parent came on to the school's campus and made derogatory comments to an LGBT youth while administrators stood by.
Finding a group where you feel like you can be who you are is critical for LGBT teenagers, Hykken said.
Brokenrope's informal network of LGBT friends in Nebraska helped him get through high school. Before there were internet forums and Facebook groups dedicated to this kind of support, he would call or text friends of friends of friends who were in similar positions. He still doesn't know the real name of a kid in Omaha who spoke with him on the phone twice a week.
Today, there are numerous resources throughout the country such as the Trevor Project that provide support, in addition to the Gay-Straight Alliance Network and numerous groups at colleges and universities.
Teachers should get more education in the kinds of issues that LGBT youth might be facing, Christie said. They are often struggling with their identity and their fear of rejection from family, friends, and community groups. They may be questioning their sexual orientation, and not have anyone to talk to about it.
Brokenrope stresses to anyone who is having problems in adolescence to do whatever it takes to survive.
Today, Brokenrope is happy to be alive. His parents still aren't comfortable talking about his orientation, but have learned that it is part of his lifestyle, and things have gotten better with his relationship to them. He also credits college life in Boston for saving him. He especially enjoys being introduced to people as "this is Zac" instead of "this is Zac, he's gay," as he was in high school.
Brokenrope is also glad that LGBT mental health issues have achieved national attention and support.
"When I was growing up, I knew gay kids who had killed themselves. And it was really weird because now, everyone cares. There are all of these videos about it," he said. "But when I was in high school, it was another dead kid in rural Nebraska."
If you're a lesbian, gay, bisexual, or questioning young person in trouble, call the Trevor Project crisis line at 866-4-U-TREVOR.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Talk / Listen
I know it is hard to think sometimes that talking solves everything. Even so when it may be that it doesn't, talking still helps. Just stating your problems sometimes is enough to at least make you feel better.
Whether it is talking to a friend about it or just saying it out loud to yourself, it always makes me feel better. However it does seem to help more if you have somebody to talk about it with. Fortunately I have had a few people I could talk to about anything that has been bothering me. For these people I am truly thankful.
I don't have a lot of friends. Well friends you could call friends. The people who would truly be there. Most of my “Friends” are those that are just filler if you will. But if you have just one true friend that is enough to talk to and help you though something that is bothering you.
Even so, like I said you can always just say them out loud or post them online. I have a blog that is like a journal. No body reads it. It is there just for me to type my most random thought or to just let something off my chest when I can find no one else to talk to.
But there is another side to this story. Being the person that listens. When you listen to a friend and their problems try not to out match their problems. Remember it is not a competition. To that person it seems like you are telling them their problems are irrelevant. Like they are crying over nothing. So when listening do just that. Listen. At the end the person may ask what your opinon is. It is still very important to not tell of your issues. This is about them at the moment. Your turn will come later. Give them an answer without detailing your own problem such like “ Oh well when that happened to me I did this.”. Say “ Well if I was in your situation I would do this.”. Also try and remember that when you give that person your solution to remember that this person is not the most emotionally stable person right now. Give them a rational piece of advice. Not something like “Lord If that was me I would cut his dick off for sure.”. LOL it is not what they need to hear at the moment.
So these are just a few tips on what is proper. The reason I put this out is recently some people I have overheard have done this. It sickens me that people try to make their own problems bigger then everybody elses. It is not always the case. Just remember that the next time you are feeling like yours are the worst. That somewhere out there, there is somebody who has it a lot worse. If you don't believe me I can take you to the homeless shelter and show you. Or show you kids who's family beats them and it just seems like nobody cares. Then at the end of our road trip if you explain to me your problems are bigger than everybody's else, then I will believe you. But until then take some of the advise given above.
~LookingInLondon
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
relgion pamplets are the death of me
~I still don't get why religious people can't accept homosexuals. Yeah we have sex with the same sex but at least we stick to the same species. I mean you don't see me fucking a goat. Besides they have small balls and need to shave- that not my type LMAO.
~ I mean if you bible thumpers can give us those damn Jesus pamphlets than gays should be able to flaunt their mate around like they do with Jesus. Cause let me tell ya Christians shoving their religion downs people throats is a whole lot more damaging than me shoving me tongue down my boyfriends.
~"How is it worse," you ask. Cause of course we take that damn Jesus pamphlet we don't know they're trying to sell our soul to the father, son, and the holy ghost. They don't announce it and they dress like normal people that aren't selling bibles and organizing food drives. Hell we think those pamphlets are coupons to supernails (LOL) or those little frozen weenies at wal-mart. Next thing ya know its like the God squad or the Jesus rangers appear and you're being told "repent." "You're going to hell!!" "You're the reason the church is being corrupt." Our feelings get smashed and destroyed all because we took the ticket to hell, those damn Jesus pamphlets. Watch out for them!!! Sneaky little devils they are. And not worth the tears you shed or the holes you might punch in the walls.
Peace out homefries,
sexuallyambiguouspt1
~ I mean if you bible thumpers can give us those damn Jesus pamphlets than gays should be able to flaunt their mate around like they do with Jesus. Cause let me tell ya Christians shoving their religion downs people throats is a whole lot more damaging than me shoving me tongue down my boyfriends.
~"How is it worse," you ask. Cause of course we take that damn Jesus pamphlet we don't know they're trying to sell our soul to the father, son, and the holy ghost. They don't announce it and they dress like normal people that aren't selling bibles and organizing food drives. Hell we think those pamphlets are coupons to supernails (LOL) or those little frozen weenies at wal-mart. Next thing ya know its like the God squad or the Jesus rangers appear and you're being told "repent." "You're going to hell!!" "You're the reason the church is being corrupt." Our feelings get smashed and destroyed all because we took the ticket to hell, those damn Jesus pamphlets. Watch out for them!!! Sneaky little devils they are. And not worth the tears you shed or the holes you might punch in the walls.
Peace out homefries,
sexuallyambiguouspt1
Fem??? Stereotyping with guys
~Why is feminism associated with being gay? People say "well you always act more feminine." Well what the hell does that mean?? Because I'd rather sing than throw a football that means I like the same sex? People are who they are. People were born certain ways. There are plenty of strait men that sway their hips when they walk and actually match their clothes. Don't be ashamed of who you are kiddo's. Cause no one like a fake or a douche. If you're strait and wear skinny jeans, wear them suckers out and win over those girls (:P). If your gay and aren't as manly as society wants you to be and you can't find people. Embrace the homosexual community. They know whats its like to be shunned and hurt. Anyone say group hug lol
~So lets wrap this up. If you like the same sex, good for you-its who you are. If you act certain ways that cause people to categorize you as "gay" that doesn't mean you are. You were born to be who you are, don't let close-minded and dim witted people carve who you are. Put your foot down and raise some hell, show em what you're made of. Though be wise, to destroy the enemy you must be cunning and rational. I'd love to say everyone is gonna accept you, us, but they won't always. but go out there anyway put on your game face and show em you don't have to be a flannel-wearing, gun-slinging, mountain man sitting next to pa and ma passing the soup beans and cornbread and throwing scraps to your coon dog
~Peace out,
fingsexuallyambiguouspt1
~So lets wrap this up. If you like the same sex, good for you-its who you are. If you act certain ways that cause people to categorize you as "gay" that doesn't mean you are. You were born to be who you are, don't let close-minded and dim witted people carve who you are. Put your foot down and raise some hell, show em what you're made of. Though be wise, to destroy the enemy you must be cunning and rational. I'd love to say everyone is gonna accept you, us, but they won't always. but go out there anyway put on your game face and show em you don't have to be a flannel-wearing, gun-slinging, mountain man sitting next to pa and ma passing the soup beans and cornbread and throwing scraps to your coon dog
~Peace out,
fingsexuallyambiguouspt1
Website Project
The new site is coming along nicely. Within a few weeks we should be able to start the transition. I am very excited!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
new authors
As you know we are always looking for new authors here at GOKUSG. Right now I am trying to land a new author who is still in high school. This young man seems to be very bright and has no problem speaking what is on his mind. I think he would be a perfect fit. He is totally out and has a boyfriend who is totally out as well. They are currently facing some of the scenarios that we all fear. Such as backlash for being out. It will be interesting to hear more on how he deals with it and especially at 17 years old. I made him the offer this morning and sent him a link to the blog. Hopefully he will want to participate as I am sure we all are interested in what he has to share.
But anyways I promised an update on the Holiday drama that went on Thanksgiving weekend.
As you know my family came in and everything was all nice and peaceful, well as peaceful as a house full of people can be. But on Saturday my cousin and her husband got into an argument over their 16 month old son. My cousin's husband is the laziest person I have seen on this earth. He left her and the baby once before while she had cancer because he didn't want to be so stressed out. So he isn't that good in my book to begin with. But she took him back and now he walks all over her. But you can't say anything to her because she gets mad and won't talk to you.
I have kept my silence for all this time. But this weekend they got into it and he started verbally abusing her. Saying he would leave and what was she gonna do about it and on and on and on. Called her a bitch and whore. I wanted to punch him in the mouth but I just sat there. I knew it would only be me that she got mad at. But then he pushed her while she was holding the baby. I had enough. I got up grabbed him by his shirt and slung him into the kitchen counter. While he was laying in the floor I told him something that I have been wanting to tell him for a long time. I told him If I ever heard of him laying a hand on her again I would make the 300 mile trip just to kick his ass.
As I knew it would happen. She got pissed and wanted to leave. She didn't think I should of got involved. But I refuse to watch a so called man put his hands on a woman. Especially my family members. But they left that day and went home. She is upset and said I shouldn't of got involved. All I can do is hope that one day she will realize that I am there to help and that she doesn't have to put up with his crap all the time.
But yeah that sort of wrapped up my holiday weekend. Thank God lesbian life texted me to come over later that night. She really took a load off my shoulders. I was still steaming when I left the house. Thanks Lesbian Life.
~LookingInLondon
But anyways I promised an update on the Holiday drama that went on Thanksgiving weekend.
As you know my family came in and everything was all nice and peaceful, well as peaceful as a house full of people can be. But on Saturday my cousin and her husband got into an argument over their 16 month old son. My cousin's husband is the laziest person I have seen on this earth. He left her and the baby once before while she had cancer because he didn't want to be so stressed out. So he isn't that good in my book to begin with. But she took him back and now he walks all over her. But you can't say anything to her because she gets mad and won't talk to you.
I have kept my silence for all this time. But this weekend they got into it and he started verbally abusing her. Saying he would leave and what was she gonna do about it and on and on and on. Called her a bitch and whore. I wanted to punch him in the mouth but I just sat there. I knew it would only be me that she got mad at. But then he pushed her while she was holding the baby. I had enough. I got up grabbed him by his shirt and slung him into the kitchen counter. While he was laying in the floor I told him something that I have been wanting to tell him for a long time. I told him If I ever heard of him laying a hand on her again I would make the 300 mile trip just to kick his ass.
As I knew it would happen. She got pissed and wanted to leave. She didn't think I should of got involved. But I refuse to watch a so called man put his hands on a woman. Especially my family members. But they left that day and went home. She is upset and said I shouldn't of got involved. All I can do is hope that one day she will realize that I am there to help and that she doesn't have to put up with his crap all the time.
But yeah that sort of wrapped up my holiday weekend. Thank God lesbian life texted me to come over later that night. She really took a load off my shoulders. I was still steaming when I left the house. Thanks Lesbian Life.
~LookingInLondon
Monday, November 29, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Had a blast
I had a really good time tonight with Lesbian Life. After all my family had left "I'll talk more about the reasoning tomorrow". I went over and had a blast with her and her friends and family. I have enjoyed being myself when I am around her.I don't have to pretend, I can just let it loose and let it go.
About the earlier post that lesbian life posted. She said if you are not out to come out as it will make you happier. As you know I myself am still in the proverbial closet. But if I had someone who I though was special I would find it unfair to both of us to not come out and to try and hide our relationship. I really do.
I hope you guys have had a really good Thanksgiving and weekend. I know I sure did. Now it is time for us to settle down for a couple of weeks before we are back at it for Christmas.
~LookingInLondon
About the earlier post that lesbian life posted. She said if you are not out to come out as it will make you happier. As you know I myself am still in the proverbial closet. But if I had someone who I though was special I would find it unfair to both of us to not come out and to try and hide our relationship. I really do.
I hope you guys have had a really good Thanksgiving and weekend. I know I sure did. Now it is time for us to settle down for a couple of weeks before we are back at it for Christmas.
~LookingInLondon
A very special friend
Months ago a friend of mine asked me to add one of her friends on facebook, and I did. All these months we have been on each others pages and never really talked! Just a few days ago, she made a comment and I just had to message her because it was SO cute! For the last few days we have exchanged messages several times a day, and I swear I look forward to each and every one! She has been such a big help through the tough time I have been having lately and I think I needed her to talk to every bit as much as she needed me!
We have begun texting back and forth, and I love seeing messages from her! I cant wait to develop this friendship because she has been through some of the same things I am going through right now, and I see her being a very special person....I am not saying a relationship, God knows we live too far apart for that, but just a very special person in my life.
I think it was just meant for us to connect at this very time, and I am SO thankful for that!!!
On a different note, I got to spend some more time with "looking In London" tonight! I just love spending time with him! So my message to Looking is this:
You also make my day brighter! I just want you to know that you are a great friend and I am here for you when you need me just as much as you are here for me!!!! Cant wait to see you again soon!
We have begun texting back and forth, and I love seeing messages from her! I cant wait to develop this friendship because she has been through some of the same things I am going through right now, and I see her being a very special person....I am not saying a relationship, God knows we live too far apart for that, but just a very special person in my life.
I think it was just meant for us to connect at this very time, and I am SO thankful for that!!!
On a different note, I got to spend some more time with "looking In London" tonight! I just love spending time with him! So my message to Looking is this:
You also make my day brighter! I just want you to know that you are a great friend and I am here for you when you need me just as much as you are here for me!!!! Cant wait to see you again soon!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Take a chance
So here I am making a Turkey dinner for my kids and my sister and her friends and I am crying over the damn potato's...Why you ask? Because all I wanted today was to get to see my girlfriend and low and behold she can not come. I am so damn hurt right now. It hurts me to the bottom of my soul to know that I am not able to be as much a part of her life as I want to be. I love her and I try to include her in y family but I can not be part of hers because I am Just a friend to her family. I though she was coming but then her brother and his family showed up and decided to just spend the entire day. I have waited all day to hear her say that she was going to be on her way and then instead I get the phone call saying I am sorry I am not coming. I hate the fact that she is not out and I am trying to hold on, but I dont think I am doing such a good job of it since I am falling apart at the seams over it.
My advice to you if you are not out...Take the chance. You dont know how hard it is to be in a relationship where one is out and the other is not. It can kill a relationship no matter how much you love each other... I know it is slowly killing mine....And my heart is breaking into millions of pieces! Your family might not like it, and it is a scary thing, but you will be happier in the long run, knowing who really loves you for who you are, instead of just who they think you are. And you will be happier because you will no longer be living a lie and you can be free to be who you REALLY are!
My advice to you if you are not out...Take the chance. You dont know how hard it is to be in a relationship where one is out and the other is not. It can kill a relationship no matter how much you love each other... I know it is slowly killing mine....And my heart is breaking into millions of pieces! Your family might not like it, and it is a scary thing, but you will be happier in the long run, knowing who really loves you for who you are, instead of just who they think you are. And you will be happier because you will no longer be living a lie and you can be free to be who you REALLY are!
Friday, November 26, 2010
1000 unique visitors
When I went to change the template back this morning I noticed that over night we hit 1000 unique viewers. So I am very excited about that.
I had a wonderful Thanksgiving and my family is still here for the remainder of the weekend. It has been a blast. I love that I have such a large family. Last night we went to walmart at midnight. I know craziest idea yet that we have done. There was 7 of us including our two youngest cousins who are 10 and 11. I never really got to look at anything for watching them and making sure they didn't wonder off in the crowd. It was really crazy.
For me the hardest thing has been having to listen to some of the things my family has said this weekend. I have no problem with a good gay joke or even hearing somebody refer to something as being gay. I don't really like it. But I am not going to cause a scene because of it. As far as the gay jokes, most are pretty funny to me. But the hard part is when I hear them seriously condemn homosexuals. It gets hard to listen to such stuff all the time. I want so bad just to tell them that I am gay just so they can see that I am not a monster. But I am also afraid that this could back fire as well. One day they will regret the things they have said and realize how hurtful they have been. But I try not to let it get me down to much. I still understand that it is because they don't know the real facts.
I hope everybody had a wonderful Thanksgiving. And is having a wonderful Black Friday.
~LookingInLondon
I had a wonderful Thanksgiving and my family is still here for the remainder of the weekend. It has been a blast. I love that I have such a large family. Last night we went to walmart at midnight. I know craziest idea yet that we have done. There was 7 of us including our two youngest cousins who are 10 and 11. I never really got to look at anything for watching them and making sure they didn't wonder off in the crowd. It was really crazy.
For me the hardest thing has been having to listen to some of the things my family has said this weekend. I have no problem with a good gay joke or even hearing somebody refer to something as being gay. I don't really like it. But I am not going to cause a scene because of it. As far as the gay jokes, most are pretty funny to me. But the hard part is when I hear them seriously condemn homosexuals. It gets hard to listen to such stuff all the time. I want so bad just to tell them that I am gay just so they can see that I am not a monster. But I am also afraid that this could back fire as well. One day they will regret the things they have said and realize how hurtful they have been. But I try not to let it get me down to much. I still understand that it is because they don't know the real facts.
I hope everybody had a wonderful Thanksgiving. And is having a wonderful Black Friday.
~LookingInLondon
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Reflecting
Ok I decided that I am not done posting! Today has been a day of reflection for me, just thinking about the past year and what I have been through....I have to say that I am SO very thankful to have a wonderful woman that has been through SO much with me, good and bad, and without her love and support I would have not made it though some of the crap I have dealt with...Even though she is clueless to this blog and to the content of my ramblings I am going to say...Tahnk you baby from the bottom of my heart. You are a rock and you have made my life so much brighter, just having you by my side! I love you!!!!
Ahhh the day is at an end!
So the day is finally over and I could not be more relieved, although I did have a great time talking to someone I have known most of my life. I want so bad to be able to be completely out and open with my family, and today a few family members got quite an earful while I was in conversation with a gay friend. Normally I do not really talk about it in front of them, because a lot of them do not agree or seem embarrassed for some reason. I can not for the life of me figure out why the embarrassment. I have nothing to hide, I just do not speak of it!
So my sister asked today if there were the same jealousy issues in a same sex relationship as there were in a straight one. She was really surprised to hear that there are! I just want to encourage you, if you are a straight person reading this, to please don't hesitate to ask questions of your gay friends if there are things you do not understand, or are just curious about. You should not be embarrassed in any way. If it is a question that your friend can not awnwer, they will tell you but for the most part I am sure they want to make people understand how they feel and why they feel that way!
I myself do not have a problem giving answers to the way I feel. Tonight talking to my friend I realized how freeing it is to be able to be completely myself with someone without having to hide anything! I know some of my cousins were not exactly comfortable with the convo they were hearing but at the same time it was AWESOME not to have to worry about being judged by them because of the topic.
I know I am rambling aimlessly but I do tend to do that! I have to go for now, I am waiting on the love of my life to call.....Oh yeah, and she and I did work things out. It will never be a perfect relationship because there will always be the strain of her being in the closet but still, I love her and I will do everything I can to make it work! Got to run, i have one hell of a headache!
So my sister asked today if there were the same jealousy issues in a same sex relationship as there were in a straight one. She was really surprised to hear that there are! I just want to encourage you, if you are a straight person reading this, to please don't hesitate to ask questions of your gay friends if there are things you do not understand, or are just curious about. You should not be embarrassed in any way. If it is a question that your friend can not awnwer, they will tell you but for the most part I am sure they want to make people understand how they feel and why they feel that way!
I myself do not have a problem giving answers to the way I feel. Tonight talking to my friend I realized how freeing it is to be able to be completely myself with someone without having to hide anything! I know some of my cousins were not exactly comfortable with the convo they were hearing but at the same time it was AWESOME not to have to worry about being judged by them because of the topic.
I know I am rambling aimlessly but I do tend to do that! I have to go for now, I am waiting on the love of my life to call.....Oh yeah, and she and I did work things out. It will never be a perfect relationship because there will always be the strain of her being in the closet but still, I love her and I will do everything I can to make it work! Got to run, i have one hell of a headache!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Happy Thanksgiving!
Just wanted to stop by one last time as the next couple of days will be pretty hectic to say the least. I have 8 family members coming in for Thanksgiving to spend the whole weekend. Not to mention I have two Thanksgiving dinners to go to. My mom's in the morning and my Grandma's later in the day.
Also I am aware of the issue some are facing with leaving comments. I apologize for the inconvenience. I did revise the Thanksgiving template before I added it and I don't really have time to change the programming right now. But everything will be back to normal on Friday.
Hope everybody has a safe and wonderful Thanksgiving. Watch out for those wet roads tonight for those of you who are traveling but tomorrow looks to be a wonderful day with highs around 71. You have to love Kentucky weather haha.
~LookingInLondon
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Hit the spot
I have to agree with Looking on the previous post. The Holidays are a great time of year, especially for family purposes. However, when it comes to some peoples situations, it can be a sad depressing time for many. Even if your homeless, lost a family member, or just can't afford to give your children a nice present or nice dinner. I'm not sure of how good this was of me or if I should have said something, but I watched a woman at Walmart take things up to the cash register and go to check out and over spend on what she had in the shopping cart, she was able to buy the milk but she had 2 toy trains that she also wanted to buy. After she told the cashier that she couldn't afford to buy them she checked out with the milk and walked away. While she was walking a Thomas the train toy was stuffed in the cart between her huge purse and umbrella . Do tell me if I'm giving people to much credit, but the reason that I didn't say a word is because in my mind, I had some hope left and was hoping a kid would have a new toy to play with. I never judge anyone because I never know what there situation in life is. Also a nice thing to do is go around a couple days before thanksgiving handing out warm meals to people less fortunate, its a warming experince to see the smiles on someones face when you bring boxes of food to them. For Christmas the church usually gets the members together and pick families in the community to hand out gifts to the kids and another warm meal. Nothing beats giving a child a present and watching them rip into it and a amazing smile of happniess. Any comments on if I done the right thing for the woman at Walmart?
Hope to post more soon. Have a nice Thanksgiving everyone, and say a prayer for the less fortunate before you dig into the turkey!
Hope to post more soon. Have a nice Thanksgiving everyone, and say a prayer for the less fortunate before you dig into the turkey!
Thanksgiving week
Since in the next 24 hours I will be making a lot of decisions and probably not have access to the internet for a few days I figured I would post tonight and do some updates from my mobile while I am on the road this week.
I got a call today while I was in the park today. It was from my family in Ohio. My cousin who has just undergone chemo for non hodgkin's lymphoma went from her 6 month check up today. They are worried that it might be back since her levels were elevated. I am close to my family in Ohio as they have been there for me when others haven't. I think of my cousin as my sister and it really hit me hard when I heard this. It also hit me hard that since she had to have the pet scan this Friday that they would not be able to come down for the holiday.
She is trying to move the appointment but she may not be able to do so. That is why if she isn't I am heading that way to be with her and my family up there during Thanksgiving.
But anyways that brings me to my topic for tonight.
Most people think of the holidays as a wonderful time. Families getting together. Lots of cheer and good times. But there are some out there that this is the worst part of the year for them. Let me explain.
When you are gay or lesbian and you are not out to your family and you also don't have a partner of the opposite sex. They tend to question you about it. Question like "when are you gonna get a girlfriend". That is one I am asked every year. It is a little uneasy for me to tell them "maybe one day" or try to joke around it and change the subject. But it isn't all that bad for me. But for other it is, it goes beyond "the question" and into a bombardment of questions and it ends up becoming intrusive. My family doesn't understand it. Others make comments like "You ain't gonna go queer on us now are yee". LOL yeah I know I typed it exactly like I hear them say it. But all joking aside, how are you supposed to respond to that? For me it comes easy but for others it is horrible to hear this disapproval from loved ones. Comments like that are the reason we keep it hidden. But this is not the worst part for some.
Others don't even have a home. Or a family during thanksgiving. Statistical data shows that as much as 40 percent of homeless youth are part of the LGBT community. It is sad to think that why I am eating my turkey this Thursday that there is some poor kid or adult out there with nothing to eat, cold and alone. It sort of ruins the occasion for me. That is why during our thanksgiving prayer I always say my own to myself. To watch over those less fortunate than I. To give them the strength to become the great people that they are destined to be. So this Thanksgiving why don't we try to find a person that we know is alone or may be going through a rough time. And reach out a hand to them and set them a place at our table.
Thanksgiving is about showing thanks for all that we have but it is also about being thankful of the love we have for one another. Give that person something to be thankful of this Thanksgiving. Show them the love that we as humans should show for one another.
I was reading a story on wegiveadamn.org the other day it is as follows:
Josh 13YO
"IM 13.. some people say im 2 young 2 no im gay.. but i no. my parents died when i was 10.. and the boys home people were meen. so i umm. kinda ran away. i sleep on the street. n sometimes i sleep with a buy or stuff.. for money for stuff.. sometimes i steal books from the libray n teach myself stuff. but i always leeve them on the door when im done n give um back.. i just dont got like money 2 pay for um and stuff. i not like super poor 1 guy i stayed with 1 time gave me a laptop.. n i got a new coat n stuff. this site is cool i not got a good story. im not a good speller n stuff :/"
Reading this kids story broke my heart. To hear of the things he does to survive really gets to me. He has a willingness to learn and has a good character but is fighting to survive on the streets at 13 years old. I wish there was some way that I could get this boy some help.
This Thanksgiving be thankful for what you have even if it is just small. Others in the world have even less even when it is hard to imagine that being true. Also give others a reason to be thankful by helping out one in need.
~LookingInLondon
I got a call today while I was in the park today. It was from my family in Ohio. My cousin who has just undergone chemo for non hodgkin's lymphoma went from her 6 month check up today. They are worried that it might be back since her levels were elevated. I am close to my family in Ohio as they have been there for me when others haven't. I think of my cousin as my sister and it really hit me hard when I heard this. It also hit me hard that since she had to have the pet scan this Friday that they would not be able to come down for the holiday.
She is trying to move the appointment but she may not be able to do so. That is why if she isn't I am heading that way to be with her and my family up there during Thanksgiving.
But anyways that brings me to my topic for tonight.
Most people think of the holidays as a wonderful time. Families getting together. Lots of cheer and good times. But there are some out there that this is the worst part of the year for them. Let me explain.
When you are gay or lesbian and you are not out to your family and you also don't have a partner of the opposite sex. They tend to question you about it. Question like "when are you gonna get a girlfriend". That is one I am asked every year. It is a little uneasy for me to tell them "maybe one day" or try to joke around it and change the subject. But it isn't all that bad for me. But for other it is, it goes beyond "the question" and into a bombardment of questions and it ends up becoming intrusive. My family doesn't understand it. Others make comments like "You ain't gonna go queer on us now are yee". LOL yeah I know I typed it exactly like I hear them say it. But all joking aside, how are you supposed to respond to that? For me it comes easy but for others it is horrible to hear this disapproval from loved ones. Comments like that are the reason we keep it hidden. But this is not the worst part for some.
Others don't even have a home. Or a family during thanksgiving. Statistical data shows that as much as 40 percent of homeless youth are part of the LGBT community. It is sad to think that why I am eating my turkey this Thursday that there is some poor kid or adult out there with nothing to eat, cold and alone. It sort of ruins the occasion for me. That is why during our thanksgiving prayer I always say my own to myself. To watch over those less fortunate than I. To give them the strength to become the great people that they are destined to be. So this Thanksgiving why don't we try to find a person that we know is alone or may be going through a rough time. And reach out a hand to them and set them a place at our table.
Thanksgiving is about showing thanks for all that we have but it is also about being thankful of the love we have for one another. Give that person something to be thankful of this Thanksgiving. Show them the love that we as humans should show for one another.
I was reading a story on wegiveadamn.org the other day it is as follows:
Josh 13YO
"IM 13.. some people say im 2 young 2 no im gay.. but i no. my parents died when i was 10.. and the boys home people were meen. so i umm. kinda ran away. i sleep on the street. n sometimes i sleep with a buy or stuff.. for money for stuff.. sometimes i steal books from the libray n teach myself stuff. but i always leeve them on the door when im done n give um back.. i just dont got like money 2 pay for um and stuff. i not like super poor 1 guy i stayed with 1 time gave me a laptop.. n i got a new coat n stuff. this site is cool i not got a good story. im not a good speller n stuff :/"
Reading this kids story broke my heart. To hear of the things he does to survive really gets to me. He has a willingness to learn and has a good character but is fighting to survive on the streets at 13 years old. I wish there was some way that I could get this boy some help.
This Thanksgiving be thankful for what you have even if it is just small. Others in the world have even less even when it is hard to imagine that being true. Also give others a reason to be thankful by helping out one in need.
~LookingInLondon
Monday, November 22, 2010
Sorry!
Sorry I have not got a chance to write lately, been busy for the last few days!!! Hope to post in the next couple of days to fill you guys in on the break up/make up!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
Life in general
After 20 months my girlfriend has decided that she no longer wants to be together. I am hurt and confused and really kind of lost. She has hurt me beyond belief because I have devoted so much to being with her and gave everything to her that I could give, mind body heart and soul.
I am hoping right now that she is just saying these things because she is going through a hard time, but if not, I will accept that we can not be together and I will pick up the pieces and I will go on. I love her with all my heart but I can not be a part time thing, I want commitment, I want forever. If she cant give me that then we can be together, that is just the way it is.
I hope that she and I can remain friends, no matter what. I really wish there was someone that knows what I am going through, but none of my friends quite understand. They have either never been in this type of relationship, or are straight and do not understand a same sex relationship in the first place. My heart is torn as I sit here, andI can only pray that she does love me the way I love her.
I am hoping right now that she is just saying these things because she is going through a hard time, but if not, I will accept that we can not be together and I will pick up the pieces and I will go on. I love her with all my heart but I can not be a part time thing, I want commitment, I want forever. If she cant give me that then we can be together, that is just the way it is.
I hope that she and I can remain friends, no matter what. I really wish there was someone that knows what I am going through, but none of my friends quite understand. They have either never been in this type of relationship, or are straight and do not understand a same sex relationship in the first place. My heart is torn as I sit here, andI can only pray that she does love me the way I love her.
My first post and the reason of joining the blog.
I must start off that no one in my family knows about my sexual orientation. The question you may ask is, "Why is this guy on here trying to help others?." And for all of you that may think that, well .. Thats fine I suppose lol .. Anyways to the point, I joined the blog in hopes to perhaps help others, be a person you can talk to .. At only $19.99 a minute, I'm cheap! (Just not easy) .. So now that I have lost the cheap and bargain shoppers on to a small story. (Probably just lost all of the readers on this) .. FOCUS ...
I think that I'm a helpful person, kind, and will start a heated conversation with anyone (Or like my beloved co-worker says, "I'll dance with anybody!.") The reasoning of my situation is like most teens in Kentucky, their parents are bible worshippers and wouldn't have it.. So as I have decided, my dearest mother would be the first one to know. In my opinion a mother is the first person to let anyone know. My mother doesn't know, but something tells me that she already knows, which is sometimes what you'll actually find out in the end. If a mother isn't available, I would tell a best friend my 2 best friends know and its like nothing has changed. Even a good friend can have so much compassion on the situation you would be surprised. So for all you teens (and myself) that hope it will get better .. It will in time, if you don't have a friend well heres my email .. Bradh06@yahoo.com .. Feel free to ask me anything, if sending a email, text, or talk (I know it does for me) would make everything so much better for you .. Don't care how much money you have, what you look like, who your mommy or daddy are, or if you have pets. Contact me now!
P.S - I'm actually free and real easy. (Didn't hear this from me)
I think that I'm a helpful person, kind, and will start a heated conversation with anyone (Or like my beloved co-worker says, "I'll dance with anybody!.") The reasoning of my situation is like most teens in Kentucky, their parents are bible worshippers and wouldn't have it.. So as I have decided, my dearest mother would be the first one to know. In my opinion a mother is the first person to let anyone know. My mother doesn't know, but something tells me that she already knows, which is sometimes what you'll actually find out in the end. If a mother isn't available, I would tell a best friend my 2 best friends know and its like nothing has changed. Even a good friend can have so much compassion on the situation you would be surprised. So for all you teens (and myself) that hope it will get better .. It will in time, if you don't have a friend well heres my email .. Bradh06@yahoo.com .. Feel free to ask me anything, if sending a email, text, or talk (I know it does for me) would make everything so much better for you .. Don't care how much money you have, what you look like, who your mommy or daddy are, or if you have pets. Contact me now!
P.S - I'm actually free and real easy. (Didn't hear this from me)
hmmmm....
I know I haven't posted in a few days but this is because of maybe a few things. For one I have been extremely busy, more busy than normal. And I have had a few things on my mind. Especially when it comes to this website. I think I have went about this the wrong way. My target audience is not responding as well as I would like and that means that something has to change.
I think for one is how I have sort of been politically correct everywhere I have posted. Although this may be fine for topix, facebook etc. I think for this blog I should be able to just let it flow and have fun with it. As well as everybody else also.
I remember reading a comment by a poster about the groups in Kentucky who have just lost touch with the gay community and really I am inclined to agree. I started this blog because of the teen suicides that went on during the months of September and October of this year. I wanted to reach out to those teens and people around my age who go through struggles that only somebody that age experiences. That is not meant to not include people of all ages. But I believe that I don't have the grasp on that crowd that needs it most. And again I think it has been because of how politically correct I have been.
I want even more authors for the blog. I love the ones we have now and I mean they are awesome! But I feel I sort of limited them on what they could post. From now on I have no limits. Post what you feel like you need to. Regardless of who's feelings you may hurt. This is a blog which means it is about opinions and not every bodies is going to be the same. The audience we need to reach out to that need the most help and don't know where to get it is our target audience. I don't want to read in the paper one day of a gay teen or young adult committing suicide here in London, the surrounding area or anywhere. This is something I feel very passionate about. I only wished that there was something in place before this.
What really brings this on is a few days ago I was talking with somebody and they were worried about how it would look if we showed recognition to a 14 year old in Michigan for speaking out against anti-gay bullying. I was told we didn't want to look like we were "going after kids". But it is time to reach out a helping hand in helping teens understand. That is who needs the most help. They don't know where to go to get more information. They are afraid and feel alone. I really got upset that this was the opinion that the organization was running off of.
I hear stories all the time of bullied teens and it sickens me. I think the area high schools need to start a GSA (Gay Straight Alliance). This would help so many.
But what point I am getting at is that, by posting content that is really relevant and being less politically correct we will be able to help a wider range of people.
I would also like some ideas from the readers on what we can do to make the site better. I know you guys can speak. The comments are anonymous. Feel free to post anything. And remember we are always looking for more authors.
~LookingInLondon
I think for one is how I have sort of been politically correct everywhere I have posted. Although this may be fine for topix, facebook etc. I think for this blog I should be able to just let it flow and have fun with it. As well as everybody else also.
I remember reading a comment by a poster about the groups in Kentucky who have just lost touch with the gay community and really I am inclined to agree. I started this blog because of the teen suicides that went on during the months of September and October of this year. I wanted to reach out to those teens and people around my age who go through struggles that only somebody that age experiences. That is not meant to not include people of all ages. But I believe that I don't have the grasp on that crowd that needs it most. And again I think it has been because of how politically correct I have been.
I want even more authors for the blog. I love the ones we have now and I mean they are awesome! But I feel I sort of limited them on what they could post. From now on I have no limits. Post what you feel like you need to. Regardless of who's feelings you may hurt. This is a blog which means it is about opinions and not every bodies is going to be the same. The audience we need to reach out to that need the most help and don't know where to get it is our target audience. I don't want to read in the paper one day of a gay teen or young adult committing suicide here in London, the surrounding area or anywhere. This is something I feel very passionate about. I only wished that there was something in place before this.
What really brings this on is a few days ago I was talking with somebody and they were worried about how it would look if we showed recognition to a 14 year old in Michigan for speaking out against anti-gay bullying. I was told we didn't want to look like we were "going after kids". But it is time to reach out a helping hand in helping teens understand. That is who needs the most help. They don't know where to go to get more information. They are afraid and feel alone. I really got upset that this was the opinion that the organization was running off of.
I hear stories all the time of bullied teens and it sickens me. I think the area high schools need to start a GSA (Gay Straight Alliance). This would help so many.
But what point I am getting at is that, by posting content that is really relevant and being less politically correct we will be able to help a wider range of people.
I would also like some ideas from the readers on what we can do to make the site better. I know you guys can speak. The comments are anonymous. Feel free to post anything. And remember we are always looking for more authors.
~LookingInLondon
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
New!
There is a new share your stories tab at the top of this page. Feel free to share your story with the rest of us. Remember even though it would be nice if you registered it is not required. You can post as anonymous if you would like. So share what's on you mind and a little about yourself.
~LookingInLondon
~LookingInLondon
I GIVE A DAMN!
Check out the "Give a Damn" Campaign! Read and Share stories and experiences and MUCH more!!!!!
http://www.wegiveadamn.org/
I signed up!
http://www.wegiveadamn.org/
I signed up!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
The Newbie
So here you guys have it, the newbie of the bunch!
Little about myself .. You can call me Brad.. I'm a laid back person, with tons to talk about. Loud, Annoying, Strange, Up for anything, Broken, and a hopeless romantic. I'm not much of your typical mid-stream type of guy. Wow that pretty much sounds like a classifieds ad .. Anyways until my mind can come up with a well enough topic, then I'll post it ... Looking forward to tons of thoughts!
So not good with these .. Explain yourself ... About Me ... 20 Questions ... You know? Those types of things. This hunk of a guy called "Looking" decided to let me contribute to his Blog (What was he thinking?) ..
Monday, November 15, 2010
Just dropping in for a minute!
I wanted to share the email address I made just for readers of this blog to contact me with!
Lesbianlife@ymail.com
If you need a friend or a sounding board I am here for you! I want to know what others are going through and hope to try to be able to help!!!!
Lesbianlife@ymail.com
If you need a friend or a sounding board I am here for you! I want to know what others are going through and hope to try to be able to help!!!!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Testing the waters.
I got a question the other day about how to test people on how they feel about homosexuality. Simply put there is no easy way to do this. But here is one way I have found effective.
Watch a show or movie with a homosexual scene in it. Modern Family on ABC is one right now that features a gay couple. Watch this with the person you are trying to get a “read on”. When it gets to a scene judge their reaction. Do they show disgust? Do they do nothing at all? Next casually institute this in conversation. Say something like “I think it is horrible how they are treated.” and wait for their response. Like I said it is risky but it seems to work. With a conversation starter like that and after their response keep going with it. Ask them how they feel about equal rights. You don't have to let it be known that you are gay if you are. You don't have to be gay to support gay rights. But usually with conversation and innocent questions you can find out how somebody feels about something. This just happens to be one of my favorite ones to use. Now remember these should be used when you are unsure how somebody feels about it. If they have stated their position before it is unlikely you are going to get a different response. If when they seen the scene they sort of show a disgusted look then you can take from that how they may feel on it and not risk asking questions unless you want to push it.
If any of you guys have any more suggestions or ones you may think are better let us know through comments at the bottom of this post.
~LookingInLondon
Watch a show or movie with a homosexual scene in it. Modern Family on ABC is one right now that features a gay couple. Watch this with the person you are trying to get a “read on”. When it gets to a scene judge their reaction. Do they show disgust? Do they do nothing at all? Next casually institute this in conversation. Say something like “I think it is horrible how they are treated.” and wait for their response. Like I said it is risky but it seems to work. With a conversation starter like that and after their response keep going with it. Ask them how they feel about equal rights. You don't have to let it be known that you are gay if you are. You don't have to be gay to support gay rights. But usually with conversation and innocent questions you can find out how somebody feels about something. This just happens to be one of my favorite ones to use. Now remember these should be used when you are unsure how somebody feels about it. If they have stated their position before it is unlikely you are going to get a different response. If when they seen the scene they sort of show a disgusted look then you can take from that how they may feel on it and not risk asking questions unless you want to push it.
If any of you guys have any more suggestions or ones you may think are better let us know through comments at the bottom of this post.
~LookingInLondon
Friday, November 12, 2010
Emotional rantings
I mentioned in my last post, that my girlfriend is not "out." I said that we struggle daily with it. today is one of those days.
My girlfriend tested positive, a few months ago, for a BRAC-1 gene mutation. That means that she has an extremely high risk of breast cancer and other female cancers. (almost a 90% chance in her lifetime) This risk is made higher by the fact that she is over 34 and has never had children, and the fact that she is a smoker. So, anyway, they have decided to do all they can to minimize her risks, including surgery. Maybe more than one.
What put me in this mind set is the discussion we were just having about her first upcoming surgery. I have expressed to her many times that I want to be there with her. I want to be right there waiting when she wakes up, But I can not. I can not be there when she should need me to be there because her family does not know! I am hurting so bad over this right now that I can hardly stand to breathe. I cant see the screen for tears welling up, and threatening to spill over.
I love this woman with all my heart and would do anything for her, and I can not be there when she wakes up!
Though this is a routine surgery, there is a very high chance that once they go in, they will find cancer that has been undetected by testing. This is because there is not a lot of tests that can check for that kind of cancer. I am scared to death over this. I would feel better if I could be there, to know right away that she is ok. I will not know anything or find out anything until she is able to call me, because her family is clueless, and why would they call a friend just to say it went ok.
She has been a lesbian her entire adult life. She has never been out and there are very few people that are not gay/lesbian that know about her. She has had serious relationships before but I am the first she has dated that has been completely open about their sexuality. I dont know how she has kept it hidden for so long, I know I could not! I have hope that eventually she will come out but after 17 years I seriously doubt it. I dont know what the consequences would be for her if she did. The things she says would happen seem less likely after meeting the people involved, but that makes it no less true I suppose.....
I am fully prepared to love this woman for life, no matter what comes our way. It really is hard living like this and som days I feel like it is too much, but then I see her or hear her voice and I know that I can do it! Our love is strong enough that we can overcome anything!
Anyway, i think I have ran out of steam! Thanks for reading! :-)
My girlfriend tested positive, a few months ago, for a BRAC-1 gene mutation. That means that she has an extremely high risk of breast cancer and other female cancers. (almost a 90% chance in her lifetime) This risk is made higher by the fact that she is over 34 and has never had children, and the fact that she is a smoker. So, anyway, they have decided to do all they can to minimize her risks, including surgery. Maybe more than one.
What put me in this mind set is the discussion we were just having about her first upcoming surgery. I have expressed to her many times that I want to be there with her. I want to be right there waiting when she wakes up, But I can not. I can not be there when she should need me to be there because her family does not know! I am hurting so bad over this right now that I can hardly stand to breathe. I cant see the screen for tears welling up, and threatening to spill over.
I love this woman with all my heart and would do anything for her, and I can not be there when she wakes up!
Though this is a routine surgery, there is a very high chance that once they go in, they will find cancer that has been undetected by testing. This is because there is not a lot of tests that can check for that kind of cancer. I am scared to death over this. I would feel better if I could be there, to know right away that she is ok. I will not know anything or find out anything until she is able to call me, because her family is clueless, and why would they call a friend just to say it went ok.
She has been a lesbian her entire adult life. She has never been out and there are very few people that are not gay/lesbian that know about her. She has had serious relationships before but I am the first she has dated that has been completely open about their sexuality. I dont know how she has kept it hidden for so long, I know I could not! I have hope that eventually she will come out but after 17 years I seriously doubt it. I dont know what the consequences would be for her if she did. The things she says would happen seem less likely after meeting the people involved, but that makes it no less true I suppose.....
I am fully prepared to love this woman for life, no matter what comes our way. It really is hard living like this and som days I feel like it is too much, but then I see her or hear her voice and I know that I can do it! Our love is strong enough that we can overcome anything!
Anyway, i think I have ran out of steam! Thanks for reading! :-)
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Realizing myself and coming out
I have been bisexual since I was 13, and I knew it and accepted it easily enough. I was with a girl for the first time at that age, and I never once thought to stop and tell myself it was wrong. I embraced it with all of my being.
In late 2008, 3 1/2 years into my second marriage (a relationship that started in 2001) I started having feelings that went beyond just wanting to be with a woman sexually. Up till then, that was all there was. I started feeling that I wanted a relationship with a woman, the sex was not enough. As those feelings got stronger, my feelings toward my husband started to change as well. By Jan or Feb of 09 I was depressed and struggling with confusion over my thoughts and feelings, and in a weak drunk moment, I poured my heart out to my very unsuspecting husband.
He knew I was Bi, and was readily accepting of it, but I was not sure exactly how he would take it when I told him I wanted to try a relationship with a woman. Surprisingly he was accepting. He agreed that I should give it a try.
I looked around online to meet other women in the area, and found the perfect woman! She was not looking for love, and neither was I, just a close friendship that, if turned sexual, was fine with both of us. She shared a lot of common interests that I had, and we hit it off pretty well.
I am going to skip forward a couple of months, to the point that I realized I was in love with her. I was so confused once again about telling my husband, because I knew it was going to kill him. I was no longer able to have sex with him, because it just was not right in some way, so he already knew something was wrong. In May or June of 2009, I sat down with him and told him that I had finally come to the conclusion that I was a lesbian and that even though I did love him, I was not still in love with him and I wanted a divorce. {We separated in June and were divorce a year later.}
Now you have a little background, though there is really more to that story.
I knew who I was and what I needed to do. I had never kept anything so big from my family, and I knew that I had to tell them. I told my mother first in a very tearful phone call. She was the easiest, even though I was scared to death. She was VERY accepting and told me that she supported me in my choices, and even told me that she understood! The second person that I told was my grandmother. I explained everything to her, the relationship with my hubby, and about some things that happened to me when I was young. I laid my head on her lap and told her I was sorry if she was disappointed in me but that I had found someone that truly made me happy and that the person I loved was a woman. My 72 year old grandmother, though shocked at first, was also ok with it. After that it just got easier.
I started telling Aunts and Uncles and though they were not happy and had a few (quite a few) problems with it at first, they told me that they loved me no matter what, and even if they did not like it, they knew it was my decision.
The hardest part was yet to come. I had not yet told my father. I had been informed by the entire family that he would not accept it and that I could count him out of my life when I did tell him. I went to his house one day prepared for whatever might happen, and sat down first with my step mother. As soon as the words left my mouth, she said "You will not tell him that, not now, not ever!" I kept it to myself that day. On the 4th of July 09, I got a phone call form my dad. Someone had seen it on MySpace and passed it on to him. He informed me that I was no longer his daughter, never call never write, and never EVER come near him again. I was prepared for it, and even though it hurt SO bad, I told him that was his choice, and to have a nice life.
Well over a year later I do not regret my decision. I am very much in love with the same woman that made me realize who I am, and we are very happy together. She is not out to anyone, and we struggle with that daily, but we make it work, and to her family I am just her "best friend."
It is hard to have to hide my feelings around people that she knows, but I pull it off and we really do quite well. In early October, we exchanged rings to symbolize our commitment to each other and our love continues to grow, even though at times we do have our problems!
I have not spoken to my dad, but I have seen him 3 times. Once at a family get together and once at my sisters wedding. Neither time did I speak to him. Nor, he to me. On his birthday last week I sent him a message via facebook telling him that I loved him even if he could not accept me, and that I hoped he had a happy birthday. A couple of days later, he saw my girlfriend and I together for the first time as we were in Wal mart. Still nothing was said.
Since I first realized who I was, I have embraced it with open arms. I do still struggle with some sense of confusion at times. Wondering if I made the right choice, or if I could ever be with a man again, or if I even want to. I openly admit to people that I am a lesbian and I am PROUD!
In late 2008, 3 1/2 years into my second marriage (a relationship that started in 2001) I started having feelings that went beyond just wanting to be with a woman sexually. Up till then, that was all there was. I started feeling that I wanted a relationship with a woman, the sex was not enough. As those feelings got stronger, my feelings toward my husband started to change as well. By Jan or Feb of 09 I was depressed and struggling with confusion over my thoughts and feelings, and in a weak drunk moment, I poured my heart out to my very unsuspecting husband.
He knew I was Bi, and was readily accepting of it, but I was not sure exactly how he would take it when I told him I wanted to try a relationship with a woman. Surprisingly he was accepting. He agreed that I should give it a try.
I looked around online to meet other women in the area, and found the perfect woman! She was not looking for love, and neither was I, just a close friendship that, if turned sexual, was fine with both of us. She shared a lot of common interests that I had, and we hit it off pretty well.
I am going to skip forward a couple of months, to the point that I realized I was in love with her. I was so confused once again about telling my husband, because I knew it was going to kill him. I was no longer able to have sex with him, because it just was not right in some way, so he already knew something was wrong. In May or June of 2009, I sat down with him and told him that I had finally come to the conclusion that I was a lesbian and that even though I did love him, I was not still in love with him and I wanted a divorce. {We separated in June and were divorce a year later.}
Now you have a little background, though there is really more to that story.
I knew who I was and what I needed to do. I had never kept anything so big from my family, and I knew that I had to tell them. I told my mother first in a very tearful phone call. She was the easiest, even though I was scared to death. She was VERY accepting and told me that she supported me in my choices, and even told me that she understood! The second person that I told was my grandmother. I explained everything to her, the relationship with my hubby, and about some things that happened to me when I was young. I laid my head on her lap and told her I was sorry if she was disappointed in me but that I had found someone that truly made me happy and that the person I loved was a woman. My 72 year old grandmother, though shocked at first, was also ok with it. After that it just got easier.
I started telling Aunts and Uncles and though they were not happy and had a few (quite a few) problems with it at first, they told me that they loved me no matter what, and even if they did not like it, they knew it was my decision.
The hardest part was yet to come. I had not yet told my father. I had been informed by the entire family that he would not accept it and that I could count him out of my life when I did tell him. I went to his house one day prepared for whatever might happen, and sat down first with my step mother. As soon as the words left my mouth, she said "You will not tell him that, not now, not ever!" I kept it to myself that day. On the 4th of July 09, I got a phone call form my dad. Someone had seen it on MySpace and passed it on to him. He informed me that I was no longer his daughter, never call never write, and never EVER come near him again. I was prepared for it, and even though it hurt SO bad, I told him that was his choice, and to have a nice life.
Well over a year later I do not regret my decision. I am very much in love with the same woman that made me realize who I am, and we are very happy together. She is not out to anyone, and we struggle with that daily, but we make it work, and to her family I am just her "best friend."
It is hard to have to hide my feelings around people that she knows, but I pull it off and we really do quite well. In early October, we exchanged rings to symbolize our commitment to each other and our love continues to grow, even though at times we do have our problems!
I have not spoken to my dad, but I have seen him 3 times. Once at a family get together and once at my sisters wedding. Neither time did I speak to him. Nor, he to me. On his birthday last week I sent him a message via facebook telling him that I loved him even if he could not accept me, and that I hoped he had a happy birthday. A couple of days later, he saw my girlfriend and I together for the first time as we were in Wal mart. Still nothing was said.
Since I first realized who I was, I have embraced it with open arms. I do still struggle with some sense of confusion at times. Wondering if I made the right choice, or if I could ever be with a man again, or if I even want to. I openly admit to people that I am a lesbian and I am PROUD!
To Write Love on her Arms Day
If you have facebook it will only take a minute of your time to take a look at this!
Tomorrow Write the word love on your arms to help raise awareness of depression, self harm and suicide.
So many suffer in silence and try to hide, and escape the pain they are going through, and they need to know that we care!
http://www.facebook.com/note.php?saved&¬e_id=469149191552#!/event.php?eid=279693068238&index=1
Thanks guys and gals!
Tomorrow Write the word love on your arms to help raise awareness of depression, self harm and suicide.
So many suffer in silence and try to hide, and escape the pain they are going through, and they need to know that we care!
http://www.facebook.com/note.php?saved&¬e_id=469149191552#!/event.php?eid=279693068238&index=1
Thanks guys and gals!
Veterans Day 2010
Let us all remember the fallen, those who have served and those who continue to serve. Because as we all know, Freedom is not free. Every time I vote like I did a few days ago I say a thank you to those men and women who have fought for my freedom, and those that still are today. But also I say a thank you to all those who have paid the ultimate price for my freedom. Without men and women like you I would not be able to do what I do with this group or be able to be admit that I am gay without the risk of the death penalty. For that I owe you the most gratitude I can give.
America: The land of the Free and most definitely the home of the brave.
America: The land of the Free and most definitely the home of the brave.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Excited!
I just got done doing a phone interview with a journalism student from Northwestern University. She and her group are doing a media research project about support groups for homosexuals including the "It gets better project". We talked about the "It gets better project" and what my thoughts were about it. Which by the way I think is a wonderful group. We also talked about this group and what it is like to live in an area where homosexuality isn't widely accepted yet. She also wanted to know my thoughts on how the media covers the homosexual community.
I want to thank this student for picking this particular subject to do her media research project on. I was also grateful that she reached out to me for my thoughts. I wish you the best of luck on your project Jenna.
She also said that when it was finished she would email a copy to me for me to read. With her permission I will post a copy on here also.
~LookingInLondon
I want to thank this student for picking this particular subject to do her media research project on. I was also grateful that she reached out to me for my thoughts. I wish you the best of luck on your project Jenna.
She also said that when it was finished she would email a copy to me for me to read. With her permission I will post a copy on here also.
~LookingInLondon
Disbelief
I know the title says disbelief. But actually when I think about it. It isn't like I didn't know it already.
I know at this point your probably going "What is he talking about?".
Well I know I have posted here before about how I don't have any relationship with my father at all. But my sister was everything in my life. Over the past summer she floored all of the family when she said she wanted to go live with our dad. She is 18 so there was nothing anybody could do really. Just try to convince her to think about it before she made any final decision. She chose not to think about it.
I haven't talked to my sister since she left in July. That was until she called last Saturday. She asked me for some technical advice. But the nature of the call went off to how we were doing and just small talk. I could tell she wanted to talk, but I am still a little hurt about her decision. Especially since we have never been separated since her birth until this summer. She called back the next day as well for more small talk. Everything was cordial and polite. Which mean I had to hold back a lot of feelings and emotions that I felt. See my sister in my mind was going to be the first person on this earth that I ever admitted to that I was gay. But before I had a chance well you know what happened. So I feel like she stole something away from me. My sister was the only person in the world that I ever trusted with my life.
Well all this leads to today. She came by and picked up a wireless card I had given her so she could mooch off the neighbors internet. Even though I have bad feelings for my dad. My stepbrothers and now my sister that live there I still love no matter what. I have no problem helping out anybody. But anyways, back on topic, she called later tonight for help setting it up. After that was done we just started talking again. Then I heard my dad in the background. At first he didn't bother me but then it was like he joined in the conversation. He kept talking and commenting on things that he heard from my sister's side of "our" conversation. But then my sister mentioned about dad almost running over somebody one day. So naturally I wanted to know more.
She told me that it actually was an incident in WalMart where my dad was following my sister with a little distance between them. When my sister passed a lady turn around and looked. According to them the lady was looking at my sister's butt. It was at that point my sister was laughing as she told how my father had pushed the cart to try and hit her. Then told her that the girl she was looking at was his daughter and she wasn't no .....excuse my language.... cunt licking lezzie.
What left me in disbelief was not the fact of what my dad said. But the fact that my sister found something that mean and hateful, funny and amusing. It sort of took the wind out of me and made me wonder if my sister would say the same things about me when she found out. That when I told her she would call me some ....excuse me again.... cock sucking fagot.
What surprises me even more is the fact I know my sister is bisexual. I found that out a long time ago. She also didn't let a lot of family know but I told her I supported her no matter what. I never told her about my feelings or about being Gay. But I always took up for her.
Now I can only hope she does the same. My dad has never had control over what I do in my life. But I can't help but feel sad that my sister might say hateful things to me when she finds out. She by far is the person I care most about in this world. And probably the only opinion I fully take to heart.
But I plan on telling her that if she want's to be as small of a part in my life as my father is then to go ahead. But if she want's to still be a big part in it that she will have to accept me for who I am.
As far as it getting back to my dad. I know she will tell him. Even though I would love to be able to say it to his face myself. My dad is nothing more but a racist, bigot, sexist and one of the top ten candidates for the KKK or Imperial knights. At one point he went around bragging that he was already a member. He really shows his stupidity. Nothing in my life good ever came from that man except my life itself. After that he has been nothing in it. But my dad is also that kind of stupid person who would threaten to kill me because he won't have no "Fagot" offspring running around. He is also stupid enough to try. But I have no fear of that man. He can try but he will never be able to harm me physically or mentally ever again.
I know this has been a long post. But I really needed to get it off my chest. It has pained me all day because of my sister's actions.
~LookingInLondon
P.S. If there are any others out there who would like to contribute to this support group / blog as an author please let me know. Or if you would like your story to be posted to get it out there you can send it to me in an email at LookingInLondonKY@gmail.com. I also want to give another warm welcome to Lesbian Life and know that she will contribute greatly to this blog.
I know at this point your probably going "What is he talking about?".
Well I know I have posted here before about how I don't have any relationship with my father at all. But my sister was everything in my life. Over the past summer she floored all of the family when she said she wanted to go live with our dad. She is 18 so there was nothing anybody could do really. Just try to convince her to think about it before she made any final decision. She chose not to think about it.
I haven't talked to my sister since she left in July. That was until she called last Saturday. She asked me for some technical advice. But the nature of the call went off to how we were doing and just small talk. I could tell she wanted to talk, but I am still a little hurt about her decision. Especially since we have never been separated since her birth until this summer. She called back the next day as well for more small talk. Everything was cordial and polite. Which mean I had to hold back a lot of feelings and emotions that I felt. See my sister in my mind was going to be the first person on this earth that I ever admitted to that I was gay. But before I had a chance well you know what happened. So I feel like she stole something away from me. My sister was the only person in the world that I ever trusted with my life.
Well all this leads to today. She came by and picked up a wireless card I had given her so she could mooch off the neighbors internet. Even though I have bad feelings for my dad. My stepbrothers and now my sister that live there I still love no matter what. I have no problem helping out anybody. But anyways, back on topic, she called later tonight for help setting it up. After that was done we just started talking again. Then I heard my dad in the background. At first he didn't bother me but then it was like he joined in the conversation. He kept talking and commenting on things that he heard from my sister's side of "our" conversation. But then my sister mentioned about dad almost running over somebody one day. So naturally I wanted to know more.
She told me that it actually was an incident in WalMart where my dad was following my sister with a little distance between them. When my sister passed a lady turn around and looked. According to them the lady was looking at my sister's butt. It was at that point my sister was laughing as she told how my father had pushed the cart to try and hit her. Then told her that the girl she was looking at was his daughter and she wasn't no .....excuse my language.... cunt licking lezzie.
What left me in disbelief was not the fact of what my dad said. But the fact that my sister found something that mean and hateful, funny and amusing. It sort of took the wind out of me and made me wonder if my sister would say the same things about me when she found out. That when I told her she would call me some ....excuse me again.... cock sucking fagot.
What surprises me even more is the fact I know my sister is bisexual. I found that out a long time ago. She also didn't let a lot of family know but I told her I supported her no matter what. I never told her about my feelings or about being Gay. But I always took up for her.
Now I can only hope she does the same. My dad has never had control over what I do in my life. But I can't help but feel sad that my sister might say hateful things to me when she finds out. She by far is the person I care most about in this world. And probably the only opinion I fully take to heart.
But I plan on telling her that if she want's to be as small of a part in my life as my father is then to go ahead. But if she want's to still be a big part in it that she will have to accept me for who I am.
As far as it getting back to my dad. I know she will tell him. Even though I would love to be able to say it to his face myself. My dad is nothing more but a racist, bigot, sexist and one of the top ten candidates for the KKK or Imperial knights. At one point he went around bragging that he was already a member. He really shows his stupidity. Nothing in my life good ever came from that man except my life itself. After that he has been nothing in it. But my dad is also that kind of stupid person who would threaten to kill me because he won't have no "Fagot" offspring running around. He is also stupid enough to try. But I have no fear of that man. He can try but he will never be able to harm me physically or mentally ever again.
I know this has been a long post. But I really needed to get it off my chest. It has pained me all day because of my sister's actions.
~LookingInLondon
P.S. If there are any others out there who would like to contribute to this support group / blog as an author please let me know. Or if you would like your story to be posted to get it out there you can send it to me in an email at LookingInLondonKY@gmail.com. I also want to give another warm welcome to Lesbian Life and know that she will contribute greatly to this blog.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
More updates
More updates to the site. There is now a facebook like button and we have our first official logo.
Link to the facebook page is http://www.facebook.com/pages/Gays-Of-Kentucky-United-Support-Group/165699386797417?v=wall
Also a special thanks to my buddy for helping me set up everything.
~LookingInLondon
Link to the facebook page is http://www.facebook.com/pages/Gays-Of-Kentucky-United-Support-Group/165699386797417?v=wall
Also a special thanks to my buddy for helping me set up everything.
~LookingInLondon
Monday, November 8, 2010
Just getting the feel for things!
Hello all! I will be helping with the blog and wanted to stop by and get a feel for it! I have never blogged before so bear with me while I get in the swing of it!
I guess the easiest thing to do would be by telling a little about myself.
I am a 29 year old Lesbian and mother of 3 from Corbin Ky. I have been out to my family and friends (and anyone else that cares to know) for about a year and a half. When I first realized that I was a lesbian I was in a marriage of 8 years and I was really confused and didnt know what to do about it. My husband knew that I was Bisexual and had always been supportive of me but I wasnt sure how to go about telling him that I wanted to be with a woman. Needless to say, I finally told him and it was not a happy time. I was already going through so much emotionally that I ended up more hurt and confused than before!
I am hoping that through blogging here, I can get my story out to men women or teens that may be going through a lot of the same confusing emotions I went through, and maybe help ease that confusion for some!
Anyway, I am gone for now, but will be back soon with my coming out story as well as links to sites that I find fun or useful! Any questions or comments are completely welcome and I would be glad to talk or email with anyone that just needs an ear!
I also want to say that I appreciate the chance that Looking has given me to be a part of this!!!!
Love to you all!
I guess the easiest thing to do would be by telling a little about myself.
I am a 29 year old Lesbian and mother of 3 from Corbin Ky. I have been out to my family and friends (and anyone else that cares to know) for about a year and a half. When I first realized that I was a lesbian I was in a marriage of 8 years and I was really confused and didnt know what to do about it. My husband knew that I was Bisexual and had always been supportive of me but I wasnt sure how to go about telling him that I wanted to be with a woman. Needless to say, I finally told him and it was not a happy time. I was already going through so much emotionally that I ended up more hurt and confused than before!
I am hoping that through blogging here, I can get my story out to men women or teens that may be going through a lot of the same confusing emotions I went through, and maybe help ease that confusion for some!
Anyway, I am gone for now, but will be back soon with my coming out story as well as links to sites that I find fun or useful! Any questions or comments are completely welcome and I would be glad to talk or email with anyone that just needs an ear!
I also want to say that I appreciate the chance that Looking has given me to be a part of this!!!!
Love to you all!
Sort of a breakthrough
Last night I was talking with my Grandmother. Now she is one of the people I am most afraid of finding out that I am gay. We somehow got on the subject of Christianity and homosexuality. I told her I didn't believe that you will go to hell for being gay. And talked with her about some of the more popular quotes in the bible that are used to talk about homosexuality. By the time we got done talking she actually agreed with me. She said her opinion was that even though she didn't get it [homosexuality]. That she didn't think that being gay alone would send you to hell. She told me that she thought that as long as that person lived a life with Jesus in it that they would be accepted in the kingdom of heaven.
This sort of floored me a bit. My grandmother doesn't exactly approve of a family member who is gay but still loves them and their partner. But I had never heard her disagree when family member said they were going to hell for it. Maybe I am selling some of my family short on if they would support me or not. I am not sure but it was definitely a good and heart warming sign to hear her say what she did.
~LookingInLondon
This sort of floored me a bit. My grandmother doesn't exactly approve of a family member who is gay but still loves them and their partner. But I had never heard her disagree when family member said they were going to hell for it. Maybe I am selling some of my family short on if they would support me or not. I am not sure but it was definitely a good and heart warming sign to hear her say what she did.
~LookingInLondon
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
More Open.
Since I told my mom I have been more open about who I really am. I don't try to hide it as much. I don't broadcast it, but then again I will never do that. I just don't try to cover it up with excuses. Like "Oh I just haven't met the right girl yet" etc. I hate lying and even though I am not fully lying it still feels the same to me. I can't tell you how much just having this blog releases some of the stress I have had built up over the past few years. I have also met new friends, some even in person. It just feels so nice that I can be myself. Like it is a new chapter in my life.
I also found out today that my stepbrothers asked my mom and step dad if I was gay. Now of course my mom didn't say anything. But a encouraging sign was that my step dad told him " I don't know son." "Would you have a problem with that.". It eases my fear that my step dad would pretty much disown me. I sort of knew my stepbrother's wouldn't care.
I haven't had what you would call the best relationship with my step dad. Even though my real dad is a pure ass and I haven't had anything to do with him since I was younger. But my step dad does care and by the comment he made it shows me that he does. I have never called my step dad "dad". In part because I have a dad and the word is sort of a bad word for me because of my real dad's actions. But I think that after I come out to my step dad and if he accepts me for who I am. I may ask him if I can start calling him dad. He has cared for me and if he can accept me for who I am. Then in my book he would be a perfect dad.
But that also brings me to my next point. I hide my sexuality from my family really well. So well that I don't think they will believe me for the first few minutes when I tell them. I have covered my bases. From fake girlfriends to having girls call and text non stop for weeks on end. All to keep them off my back. But I think since I have started to let my guard down that some people are starting to go hmmm..... I wonder. But I wonder also..... about my younger step brother. Lately he has been doing an act if you will. He has been acting to his dad that he is gay and saying stuff such as "won't you love me if I was gay.". He does it sort of jokingly but with how much he jokes around with it, is it all just a way to judge reactions. My step dad asked my mom the other day if maybe she thought that my step brother was really gay. I am also wondering. That is a tactic that some will use. That way if it is a bad reaction you can always go "just kidding".
But that is another reason that I myself am judging my step dad's reaction. I think he will be ok with it. But at the same time, if he isn't then that is gonna send that message to my stepbrother if he is gay. I don't want the kid to clam up if he is really gay, just because of his father's reaction. I don't want him thinking that his father will hate him because of it.
I have told my mom that eventually I want to tell them as they deserve to know directly from me than by somebody else. So I am going to work with her on when the best time would be to let the "Cat out of the bag" so to speak. LOL
Also I just want to take this time to send a shout out to my mom who does read my blog. She told me that she didn't want to comment in case I didn't want her too. But I told her it was fine. But I want to put it in writing on this post just so she knows I really mean it.
So until next time....
~Lookinginlondon
I also found out today that my stepbrothers asked my mom and step dad if I was gay. Now of course my mom didn't say anything. But a encouraging sign was that my step dad told him " I don't know son." "Would you have a problem with that.". It eases my fear that my step dad would pretty much disown me. I sort of knew my stepbrother's wouldn't care.
I haven't had what you would call the best relationship with my step dad. Even though my real dad is a pure ass and I haven't had anything to do with him since I was younger. But my step dad does care and by the comment he made it shows me that he does. I have never called my step dad "dad". In part because I have a dad and the word is sort of a bad word for me because of my real dad's actions. But I think that after I come out to my step dad and if he accepts me for who I am. I may ask him if I can start calling him dad. He has cared for me and if he can accept me for who I am. Then in my book he would be a perfect dad.
But that also brings me to my next point. I hide my sexuality from my family really well. So well that I don't think they will believe me for the first few minutes when I tell them. I have covered my bases. From fake girlfriends to having girls call and text non stop for weeks on end. All to keep them off my back. But I think since I have started to let my guard down that some people are starting to go hmmm..... I wonder. But I wonder also..... about my younger step brother. Lately he has been doing an act if you will. He has been acting to his dad that he is gay and saying stuff such as "won't you love me if I was gay.". He does it sort of jokingly but with how much he jokes around with it, is it all just a way to judge reactions. My step dad asked my mom the other day if maybe she thought that my step brother was really gay. I am also wondering. That is a tactic that some will use. That way if it is a bad reaction you can always go "just kidding".
But that is another reason that I myself am judging my step dad's reaction. I think he will be ok with it. But at the same time, if he isn't then that is gonna send that message to my stepbrother if he is gay. I don't want the kid to clam up if he is really gay, just because of his father's reaction. I don't want him thinking that his father will hate him because of it.
I have told my mom that eventually I want to tell them as they deserve to know directly from me than by somebody else. So I am going to work with her on when the best time would be to let the "Cat out of the bag" so to speak. LOL
Also I just want to take this time to send a shout out to my mom who does read my blog. She told me that she didn't want to comment in case I didn't want her too. But I told her it was fine. But I want to put it in writing on this post just so she knows I really mean it.
So until next time....
~Lookinginlondon
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Support group.
Since this is a support group I wondered if there were any stories that you would like to share. I am also looking for people who may also want to admin this blog. For example monitor it and post stories, links and videos. But I would like to hear more about other people's struggles who would like to share. I have heard from many of you privately and if you would like to share anything feel free to email me. Also if you are interested in becoming an admin/moderator let me know and we will get you all set up.
*Note* You will have to have a Google account to become an admin. If you need any help let me know. They take let than 15 seconds to create really.
~LookinginLondon
*Note* You will have to have a Google account to become an admin. If you need any help let me know. They take let than 15 seconds to create really.
~LookinginLondon
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Vote!
Today is election day across the U.S. Many local, state and federal positions will be determined by us, the voters.
Please practice your freedom to vote as we pick the people to represent us.
Gays of Kentucky United Support Group does not endorse or support any particular candidate. Vote for who you think is best to lead us into tomorrow.
Thanks,
Looking
Please practice your freedom to vote as we pick the people to represent us.
Gays of Kentucky United Support Group does not endorse or support any particular candidate. Vote for who you think is best to lead us into tomorrow.
Thanks,
Looking
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Happy Halloween!
I know officially Halloween is not until tomorrow. But around here it is tonight for most. Just wanted to wish everybody a safe and happy Halloween. Watch for all the kids out tonight and be safe at any after parties you may attend. Be smart and don't drink and drive.
~Looking
~Looking
Friday, October 29, 2010
Some of my story
Lately I have had a few people ask me what "My Story" was. Which intrigues me and really think it would make an awesome book. Maybe one day I will be famous and will write one about my life. So I guess you can consider this sort of a preview. LOL.
Well I guess I can give you a short version as like I said the long version would be a book.
My parents were really young when they decided to get married. My dad was 19 and my mom was 13. When my mom was 15 she had me. 21 months later my sister joined the family. My mom dropped out of high school when she got married and my dad worked for the county garage where we lived. My parents fit all the time and me and my sister were put in the middle a lot of the time. They were also drug users. Which is why to this day I have never tried any kind of illegal drug and never will. But this went on for years. Me and my sister were always walking on eggshells to stay out of trouble but it never seemed to happen. Our dad would always seem to take his frustration out on us. This went on until I was about 7 and my parents got into yet another argument and my mom wanted a divorce. It was that night I walked in on my dad with a shot gun under his chin. Now he probably would of never done it and it was all for show but at 7 years old that doesn't cross your mind. It was the next day that our mom picked us up from school and we stayed in a abuse shelter in a location I won't say for their protection as it is still in use today. The divorce was nasty as to be expected and me and my sister was yet again put in the middle of it with both sides telling us what to say to the judge in their favor. Well neither of them liked what the judge did. He took us away from them and put us with our father's mother. As she was the best option at that time. Everything was fine and both parents were really out of the picture except for when one of them would want to see us.
I never did really want anything to do with either of them as I was older and could see right through them and my sister couldn't. So both my parents never did want anything to do with me then. Which was fine by me. Except then they wanted my sister and not me. They both tried many times to get custody of my sister and not me but luckily the judge would not have it and still deemed them both unfit.
I was barely 12 when My grandfather divorced my grandmother and left her to raise me and my sister alone. Which was not easy for her. But what scared me the most was when I was told by my uncle that I was now the man of the house and had to protect that property. When you 12 years old you don't think about protecting you family like I was forced to. Even though I had protected my sister for all those years. I was not mentally prepared for what life was about to throw at me.
It was less than 6 months later when I was home alone with an injured knee and my deranged father came to my grandmothers house with a gun demanding to get my sister. That was the night that I really lost any compassion and respect for my father that I had left. That night while he was beating on the door and threatening to kill me. I had an .223 assault riffle in the hallway to protect myself with the gun cocked, safety off and the barrel pointed right at the door with 30 rounds heading his way. I knew that if he came through that door I would have to shoot and kill my own father. Luckily he never came through that door. But I did tell him that if he came through that he was a dead man. And I know he knew I meant every word of it. This was one of the darkest points in my life.
When I was 13 the divorce proceedings of my grandparents were over and the three of us were ordered to vacate the home. This was the one place that I ever felt safe in and now the judge took it away. That was the last time I ever felt like I had a home.
My grandmother didn't have much money so she provided for us the best she could. Always making sure we had food clothes, and a warm roof over our heads. That was until it became to much and we couldn't keep up with the rent any longer. Then we moved in with my Great Aunt for a while. We moved around quite a few times. Making it the best we could. My mom had seemed to have fallen completely off the face of the earth and it really didn't matter to us. We were just always worried about making it on our own.
When I was about 14 or 15 out luck ran out and we got really low on money and lost yet another place to live. My grandmother had really lost all hope and joy in life and I was noticing more and more that she was starting to give up. My sister went to live with my aunt and uncle. I was stayed with my grandma to watch her. I felt it was like returning the favor for all those years that with out her I may of not been alive today. We didn't have no other place to go so we went to live with her three brother who lived in a little old shack that was 60 years old and run down back in a "holler". There was only room enough for one to sleep inside. My grandmother told me that she would sleep out in our minivan. It was a cold winter and I didn't want my grandmother to have to sleep outside. So I absolutely refused and made her take the place inside. Every night for the next 7 months I would just wear two jackets to bed and fold down the last seat in the back of the van for a makeshift bed. Which when you 6 ft tall it isn't too comfortable but I always remembered it could of been worse. I could of not had a van like other kids that are homeless. And that is when it hit me that i was now at a bottom point in my life but refused to give up. I vowed that I would find a way to fix this. Like my uncle had said. I was now the man of the house.
The next summer I found a place to rent for 150 bucks a month. It wasn't big but it was a house and we could afford it. I remember when we first bought it that I would go there and sleep at night. For the first few weeks we couldn't move in as our stuff was stored and we couldn't move it yet. We never had anything not even much food. My grandmother still stayed with my uncles and I stayed at our new hose with a loaf of bread and a package of ham in a cooler. There was running water and electricity so compared to what I had been through the past 7 months it was like the 4 seasons to me. It was lonely but I started to get that safe feeling back again.
About two years later the owners of the house sold it without letting us know. We got a knock at the door from the new owners wanting a tour. That was how we found out it was even for sale in the first place. It was then that we moved here to London. I was only a month from 18 at that time. So I knew I had to get a job. I finally got a nice job. One that surprised everybody. I was working for a major company and made about 45000 a year. Which wasn't bad for a poor kid strait out of high school. But if there is anything that I do well it is what I did for this company. But like everything else that had been good in my life the job ended also after about a year and a half.
Which brings you to now I guess. I still don't have a public job but I have my own little home business that brings me enough money to get by. Even if not much else. It is more like a hobby.
Well like I said that was the short and condensed version. I am sure I will talk about other things but there is just too many to type about in this one post. I know I didn't talk much about my school life, Lol that is a book in it's self.
But I will talk about how I came to be a sort of activist if you will. I am all about equality and fairness which is surprising considering how I was raised but I became my own thinker and became my own person. I love to help people in life and something people just need a shoulder to lean on and talk. I have always been that person for a lot of people. People will talk to me and let things out that they never thought they would ever let out. I guess I am trusting in that way. Whatever you tell me always is locked down and never repeated except between us.
I don't let little things get to me anymore. I don't let people get under my skin either. I think that homosexuality is completely misunderstood by a majority of the population. SO my mission became to be a be a good representation of the LGBT community.
If you would like to know more about me don't be afraid to email me. There are no such thing as a stupid question.
~LookinginLondon
Well I guess I can give you a short version as like I said the long version would be a book.
My parents were really young when they decided to get married. My dad was 19 and my mom was 13. When my mom was 15 she had me. 21 months later my sister joined the family. My mom dropped out of high school when she got married and my dad worked for the county garage where we lived. My parents fit all the time and me and my sister were put in the middle a lot of the time. They were also drug users. Which is why to this day I have never tried any kind of illegal drug and never will. But this went on for years. Me and my sister were always walking on eggshells to stay out of trouble but it never seemed to happen. Our dad would always seem to take his frustration out on us. This went on until I was about 7 and my parents got into yet another argument and my mom wanted a divorce. It was that night I walked in on my dad with a shot gun under his chin. Now he probably would of never done it and it was all for show but at 7 years old that doesn't cross your mind. It was the next day that our mom picked us up from school and we stayed in a abuse shelter in a location I won't say for their protection as it is still in use today. The divorce was nasty as to be expected and me and my sister was yet again put in the middle of it with both sides telling us what to say to the judge in their favor. Well neither of them liked what the judge did. He took us away from them and put us with our father's mother. As she was the best option at that time. Everything was fine and both parents were really out of the picture except for when one of them would want to see us.
I never did really want anything to do with either of them as I was older and could see right through them and my sister couldn't. So both my parents never did want anything to do with me then. Which was fine by me. Except then they wanted my sister and not me. They both tried many times to get custody of my sister and not me but luckily the judge would not have it and still deemed them both unfit.
I was barely 12 when My grandfather divorced my grandmother and left her to raise me and my sister alone. Which was not easy for her. But what scared me the most was when I was told by my uncle that I was now the man of the house and had to protect that property. When you 12 years old you don't think about protecting you family like I was forced to. Even though I had protected my sister for all those years. I was not mentally prepared for what life was about to throw at me.
It was less than 6 months later when I was home alone with an injured knee and my deranged father came to my grandmothers house with a gun demanding to get my sister. That was the night that I really lost any compassion and respect for my father that I had left. That night while he was beating on the door and threatening to kill me. I had an .223 assault riffle in the hallway to protect myself with the gun cocked, safety off and the barrel pointed right at the door with 30 rounds heading his way. I knew that if he came through that door I would have to shoot and kill my own father. Luckily he never came through that door. But I did tell him that if he came through that he was a dead man. And I know he knew I meant every word of it. This was one of the darkest points in my life.
When I was 13 the divorce proceedings of my grandparents were over and the three of us were ordered to vacate the home. This was the one place that I ever felt safe in and now the judge took it away. That was the last time I ever felt like I had a home.
My grandmother didn't have much money so she provided for us the best she could. Always making sure we had food clothes, and a warm roof over our heads. That was until it became to much and we couldn't keep up with the rent any longer. Then we moved in with my Great Aunt for a while. We moved around quite a few times. Making it the best we could. My mom had seemed to have fallen completely off the face of the earth and it really didn't matter to us. We were just always worried about making it on our own.
When I was about 14 or 15 out luck ran out and we got really low on money and lost yet another place to live. My grandmother had really lost all hope and joy in life and I was noticing more and more that she was starting to give up. My sister went to live with my aunt and uncle. I was stayed with my grandma to watch her. I felt it was like returning the favor for all those years that with out her I may of not been alive today. We didn't have no other place to go so we went to live with her three brother who lived in a little old shack that was 60 years old and run down back in a "holler". There was only room enough for one to sleep inside. My grandmother told me that she would sleep out in our minivan. It was a cold winter and I didn't want my grandmother to have to sleep outside. So I absolutely refused and made her take the place inside. Every night for the next 7 months I would just wear two jackets to bed and fold down the last seat in the back of the van for a makeshift bed. Which when you 6 ft tall it isn't too comfortable but I always remembered it could of been worse. I could of not had a van like other kids that are homeless. And that is when it hit me that i was now at a bottom point in my life but refused to give up. I vowed that I would find a way to fix this. Like my uncle had said. I was now the man of the house.
The next summer I found a place to rent for 150 bucks a month. It wasn't big but it was a house and we could afford it. I remember when we first bought it that I would go there and sleep at night. For the first few weeks we couldn't move in as our stuff was stored and we couldn't move it yet. We never had anything not even much food. My grandmother still stayed with my uncles and I stayed at our new hose with a loaf of bread and a package of ham in a cooler. There was running water and electricity so compared to what I had been through the past 7 months it was like the 4 seasons to me. It was lonely but I started to get that safe feeling back again.
About two years later the owners of the house sold it without letting us know. We got a knock at the door from the new owners wanting a tour. That was how we found out it was even for sale in the first place. It was then that we moved here to London. I was only a month from 18 at that time. So I knew I had to get a job. I finally got a nice job. One that surprised everybody. I was working for a major company and made about 45000 a year. Which wasn't bad for a poor kid strait out of high school. But if there is anything that I do well it is what I did for this company. But like everything else that had been good in my life the job ended also after about a year and a half.
Which brings you to now I guess. I still don't have a public job but I have my own little home business that brings me enough money to get by. Even if not much else. It is more like a hobby.
Well like I said that was the short and condensed version. I am sure I will talk about other things but there is just too many to type about in this one post. I know I didn't talk much about my school life, Lol that is a book in it's self.
But I will talk about how I came to be a sort of activist if you will. I am all about equality and fairness which is surprising considering how I was raised but I became my own thinker and became my own person. I love to help people in life and something people just need a shoulder to lean on and talk. I have always been that person for a lot of people. People will talk to me and let things out that they never thought they would ever let out. I guess I am trusting in that way. Whatever you tell me always is locked down and never repeated except between us.
I don't let little things get to me anymore. I don't let people get under my skin either. I think that homosexuality is completely misunderstood by a majority of the population. SO my mission became to be a be a good representation of the LGBT community.
If you would like to know more about me don't be afraid to email me. There are no such thing as a stupid question.
~LookinginLondon
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Pretty good day.
Since I haven't been working lately. I have had a lot of time to myself. So I have been going to Levi Jackson State Park here in London to read. I went there today and discovered something. People aren't as friendly as they used to be. I remember when you used to go talk to people even if it was just to ask how their day was going. Now everybody just seems to go on by. Although today I sat in a spot that I normally don't. In the hour and a half that I was there I would say twenty cars pulled up and parked only to leave about a minute later. I know I am a pretty intimidating looking person but come on. So if any of you reading this happen to see some body reading in the park tomorrow between 3 to 5 why not say hello next time you stop. I love to converse with people.
~LookinginLondon
~LookinginLondon
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Arkansas School Official Accused of Anti-Gay Screed
LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas -- A member of a northern Arkansas school board, commenting on campaign to get people to wear purple to show support for bullied gay and lesbian youth, purportedly posted on Facebook that the only way he would wear purple is "if they all commit suicide."
The Arkansas Department of Education on Wednesday condemned the alleged posting by Midland School Board member Clint McCance.
The Advocate, a magazine that reports about gay issues, first reported about the posting on its website. The Facebook page has been disabled, but The Advocate posted a screen grab of the purported postings that it says someone forwarded to it.
McCance's alleged posting was in response to a Facebook campaign that asked supporters to wear purple last Wednesday to show solidarity after several gay and lesbian youths killed themselves, reportedly because of bullying.
"Seriously they want me to wear purple because five queers killed themselves," McCance allegedly wrote. "The only way im wearin it for them is if they all commit suicide. I cant believe the people of this world have gotten this stupid. We are honoring the fact that they sinned and killed thereselves because of their sin."
McCance didn't immediately respond to a message seeking comment Wednesday left on his voicemail. But he told the Arkansas Times that the issue had been "blown out of proportion" and he planned to issue a statement later Wednesday. Officials at the Midland School District said Superintendent Dean Stanley was out of the office and not available for comment.
The state Education Department said in a statement Wednesday that it had no jurisdiction over elected school officials but that it would investigate any reports of bullying that arise because of the incident.
The Arkansas Department of Education on Wednesday condemned the alleged posting by Midland School Board member Clint McCance.
The Advocate, a magazine that reports about gay issues, first reported about the posting on its website. The Facebook page has been disabled, but The Advocate posted a screen grab of the purported postings that it says someone forwarded to it.
McCance's alleged posting was in response to a Facebook campaign that asked supporters to wear purple last Wednesday to show solidarity after several gay and lesbian youths killed themselves, reportedly because of bullying.
"Seriously they want me to wear purple because five queers killed themselves," McCance allegedly wrote. "The only way im wearin it for them is if they all commit suicide. I cant believe the people of this world have gotten this stupid. We are honoring the fact that they sinned and killed thereselves because of their sin."
McCance didn't immediately respond to a message seeking comment Wednesday left on his voicemail. But he told the Arkansas Times that the issue had been "blown out of proportion" and he planned to issue a statement later Wednesday. Officials at the Midland School District said Superintendent Dean Stanley was out of the office and not available for comment.
The state Education Department said in a statement Wednesday that it had no jurisdiction over elected school officials but that it would investigate any reports of bullying that arise because of the incident.
Monday, October 25, 2010
I'm Back!
Sorry for the lapse on an update. I was real busy over the weekend and didn't get much of a chance to get online and post. But I did get to talk to my mom some more about my sexuality. When I talked to her again she didn't leave a doubt in my mind that she was more than OK with it. She supports me 100 percent. I think maybe she just forgot when she was talking to me on the phone because I still have my guard up even around her so I don't slip up around other people when I am with her.
But I did get to hang out with my step brothers this weekend. And we had a really cool time. Shot some pool. Hung out with some people. Just a nice relaxing weekend with no worries. But I do think they are starting to catch on maybe. I have only really got to know my two step brothers in the last 3 months. I have never had a brother before and I think they are starting to put two and two together. When we go out all they want to do is scout for chicks. I don't participate. But I don't scout for guys either. Although we were playing pool next to some cute guys who I sort of picked up may have been gay. They kept looking over and watching and when we would make eye contact they would smile and look away real fast. But I can see the surprise in their face when they look at a girl and go "would you hit that?" And I honestly say no. I don't lie. If somebody was to ask me if I was gay I might try to change the subject or if I have to I will not say anything. But I will not lie and say no.
Also I think they tried to get me to admit I was gay. But I couldn't tell if they were just playing around and teasing or if it was a round about way of trying to get the truth out of me without being blunt about it. I want so bad to tell them so I don't have to keep hiding it around them. But I am not totally sure that they would be really ok with it. I know one of them has a brother who is gay and he takes up for him. But the next breath he takes he can say something looks fagoty. So I pick up a mixed message.
I will have to do some more pondering on the subject I guess before I let my guard down to them. I know one day it is all going to come out and I think they will respect me more if they hear it from me and not from online or somebody else.
Well that is all for tonight I guess. Don't forget that if you are going through something similar or would just like to talk. You can email me at LookinginLondonky@gmail.com
~LookinginLondon
But I did get to hang out with my step brothers this weekend. And we had a really cool time. Shot some pool. Hung out with some people. Just a nice relaxing weekend with no worries. But I do think they are starting to catch on maybe. I have only really got to know my two step brothers in the last 3 months. I have never had a brother before and I think they are starting to put two and two together. When we go out all they want to do is scout for chicks. I don't participate. But I don't scout for guys either. Although we were playing pool next to some cute guys who I sort of picked up may have been gay. They kept looking over and watching and when we would make eye contact they would smile and look away real fast. But I can see the surprise in their face when they look at a girl and go "would you hit that?" And I honestly say no. I don't lie. If somebody was to ask me if I was gay I might try to change the subject or if I have to I will not say anything. But I will not lie and say no.
Also I think they tried to get me to admit I was gay. But I couldn't tell if they were just playing around and teasing or if it was a round about way of trying to get the truth out of me without being blunt about it. I want so bad to tell them so I don't have to keep hiding it around them. But I am not totally sure that they would be really ok with it. I know one of them has a brother who is gay and he takes up for him. But the next breath he takes he can say something looks fagoty. So I pick up a mixed message.
I will have to do some more pondering on the subject I guess before I let my guard down to them. I know one day it is all going to come out and I think they will respect me more if they hear it from me and not from online or somebody else.
Well that is all for tonight I guess. Don't forget that if you are going through something similar or would just like to talk. You can email me at LookinginLondonky@gmail.com
~LookinginLondon
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Question.
As you know I told my mother a week ago that I was gay. I though she took it well and she gave me some very encouraging words. But over the course of this past week when talking to her I am still picking up on some uneasiness about the situation. I don't talk about being gay with her still as that is not the type of person I am. Now I love my mom and I know she loves me but she is starting to show signs that she may not be as ok with it as I once thought.
When I talked to my mom tonight we were talking about how one of my step brothers have a huge problem of sleeping with... well everybody. He just turned 21 recently and loves to party at the bar. Recently he did a few things with several people he didn't know and lets just say a clinic visit wouldn't be such a bad idea for him. But he made the comment that when I turn 21 that we could go out and party. Now I am not the partying type. If I have a drink it is just that, a drink, and it is at home. But he want's to get me to do the same things as him. Which 1. I am gay so of course I am not going to lay with any woman. And 2. Even if I wasn't gay it isn't my personality to sleep around. But when I was talking to my mom she was telling me about this and was talking to me about women and how she knew I wouldn't do anything like that. But she kept referring to sex with women and relationships with women just like she forgot I was gay.
Now my question is. Should I confront her and ask her how she feels about it again to see if her response has changed? Or what should I do? I don't want her to drop little hints all the time to test the waters with me like one day I will get up and start dating women. It isn't going to happen. Should I talk with her again about it? I am just sort of taken back and it seems to be a step back in my progress of telling my family. This is one of the reasons I have kept it bottled up for so long. I can't stand for my family to dislike me. My step dad already uses me in arguments when him and my mom argue about us. His kids like to party and do drugs. My sister is even sort of a rebel. But I chose to put childish things down and be responsible . But every time there is an argument and she says something about his kids then I get brought into it. The only thing he can find right now is that I am more sensitive than his kids. Which trust me is not a bad thing. But I am afraid that if he found out that I was gay he would bring that up every time they argued. Something to the sorts of " Well at least my children are not fagots.". I am not sure he wouldn't say that at this point. My step brothers, I am almost positive that they would be ok with it. One of my step brother's half brother is gay and he is close with him. But I have heard my step dad talk bad about that bother as well.
I really wanted to save this for the forum but it just couldn't wait. I figured that if I held it in any longer then I would burst from the seams. I appreciate any comment or email. I need this group just as bad as some of you guys. I have issues that I would love to talk about also. But I just don't have friends that I could talk to about this. I have been thinking of telling my step brother but I am not 100 percent sure how that would go. I just would really like to talk to somebody close to me about it but this will have to do for now.
~LookinginLondon
When I talked to my mom tonight we were talking about how one of my step brothers have a huge problem of sleeping with... well everybody. He just turned 21 recently and loves to party at the bar. Recently he did a few things with several people he didn't know and lets just say a clinic visit wouldn't be such a bad idea for him. But he made the comment that when I turn 21 that we could go out and party. Now I am not the partying type. If I have a drink it is just that, a drink, and it is at home. But he want's to get me to do the same things as him. Which 1. I am gay so of course I am not going to lay with any woman. And 2. Even if I wasn't gay it isn't my personality to sleep around. But when I was talking to my mom she was telling me about this and was talking to me about women and how she knew I wouldn't do anything like that. But she kept referring to sex with women and relationships with women just like she forgot I was gay.
Now my question is. Should I confront her and ask her how she feels about it again to see if her response has changed? Or what should I do? I don't want her to drop little hints all the time to test the waters with me like one day I will get up and start dating women. It isn't going to happen. Should I talk with her again about it? I am just sort of taken back and it seems to be a step back in my progress of telling my family. This is one of the reasons I have kept it bottled up for so long. I can't stand for my family to dislike me. My step dad already uses me in arguments when him and my mom argue about us. His kids like to party and do drugs. My sister is even sort of a rebel. But I chose to put childish things down and be responsible . But every time there is an argument and she says something about his kids then I get brought into it. The only thing he can find right now is that I am more sensitive than his kids. Which trust me is not a bad thing. But I am afraid that if he found out that I was gay he would bring that up every time they argued. Something to the sorts of " Well at least my children are not fagots.". I am not sure he wouldn't say that at this point. My step brothers, I am almost positive that they would be ok with it. One of my step brother's half brother is gay and he is close with him. But I have heard my step dad talk bad about that bother as well.
I really wanted to save this for the forum but it just couldn't wait. I figured that if I held it in any longer then I would burst from the seams. I appreciate any comment or email. I need this group just as bad as some of you guys. I have issues that I would love to talk about also. But I just don't have friends that I could talk to about this. I have been thinking of telling my step brother but I am not 100 percent sure how that would go. I just would really like to talk to somebody close to me about it but this will have to do for now.
~LookinginLondon
Monday, October 18, 2010
Wonderful weekend!
It has been a wonderful weekend. Fall has always been one of my favorite seasons. Only season I love more is winter. But I love fall because the mountains around here are always beautiful with the fall foliage. I also love to walk in the woods this time of year. You can see better with the light getting through to the ground and find all kinds of cool things.
I have always wanted to go to the natural bridge. I have never been but a lot of people I know have. I love to go in groups though. That way you can talk and have a good time as you hike. Sort of boring when you go with yourself. The only time I like to go by myself is when I need to think about something. Hiking is a great way to clear my head. The fresh air, the sounds of nature. Just so soothing.
I have taken a lot of hikes recently. I have had a lot on my mind about a lot of things. From my professional life to my family even about what I am doing with this group. Some times I think to myself... What are you doing? Your not doing anything but stirring up a hornets nest. I have gotten death threats, hate mail, called every name in the book. But then I get email from people, you know who you are, that thank me for what I am doing. I get email from supporters and fans. But the emails that truly keep me going are the ones where they say that people like me give them better hope for the future. I never fathomed that this little support group would touch people the way it has. People who are just like me and afraid of what family may think about them or what the public may think about them. I understand where they are coming from. I wished that when I was younger I had somebody to talk to about all this. It would of made life so much easier to of had a friend who understood and supported me. So you can send me ten death threats but one email from a fan or somebody reaching out to talk about it makes your threat seem so petty and small that it doesn't matter anymore.
I will be here and It will only get better. I also have plans in the future to purchase a domain name so I don't have to have such a long address. Any Ideas? Also the forum project is still on track. I have been building relationships with those that seem interested in joining it. Remember it will be by invite only so as to protect the anonymity of others. And to be a safe heaven where anything can be discussed without fear of being called out.
~LookinginLondon
I have always wanted to go to the natural bridge. I have never been but a lot of people I know have. I love to go in groups though. That way you can talk and have a good time as you hike. Sort of boring when you go with yourself. The only time I like to go by myself is when I need to think about something. Hiking is a great way to clear my head. The fresh air, the sounds of nature. Just so soothing.
I have taken a lot of hikes recently. I have had a lot on my mind about a lot of things. From my professional life to my family even about what I am doing with this group. Some times I think to myself... What are you doing? Your not doing anything but stirring up a hornets nest. I have gotten death threats, hate mail, called every name in the book. But then I get email from people, you know who you are, that thank me for what I am doing. I get email from supporters and fans. But the emails that truly keep me going are the ones where they say that people like me give them better hope for the future. I never fathomed that this little support group would touch people the way it has. People who are just like me and afraid of what family may think about them or what the public may think about them. I understand where they are coming from. I wished that when I was younger I had somebody to talk to about all this. It would of made life so much easier to of had a friend who understood and supported me. So you can send me ten death threats but one email from a fan or somebody reaching out to talk about it makes your threat seem so petty and small that it doesn't matter anymore.
I will be here and It will only get better. I also have plans in the future to purchase a domain name so I don't have to have such a long address. Any Ideas? Also the forum project is still on track. I have been building relationships with those that seem interested in joining it. Remember it will be by invite only so as to protect the anonymity of others. And to be a safe heaven where anything can be discussed without fear of being called out.
~LookinginLondon
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)