I know officially Halloween is not until tomorrow. But around here it is tonight for most. Just wanted to wish everybody a safe and happy Halloween. Watch for all the kids out tonight and be safe at any after parties you may attend. Be smart and don't drink and drive.
~Looking
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Some of my story
Lately I have had a few people ask me what "My Story" was. Which intrigues me and really think it would make an awesome book. Maybe one day I will be famous and will write one about my life. So I guess you can consider this sort of a preview. LOL.
Well I guess I can give you a short version as like I said the long version would be a book.
My parents were really young when they decided to get married. My dad was 19 and my mom was 13. When my mom was 15 she had me. 21 months later my sister joined the family. My mom dropped out of high school when she got married and my dad worked for the county garage where we lived. My parents fit all the time and me and my sister were put in the middle a lot of the time. They were also drug users. Which is why to this day I have never tried any kind of illegal drug and never will. But this went on for years. Me and my sister were always walking on eggshells to stay out of trouble but it never seemed to happen. Our dad would always seem to take his frustration out on us. This went on until I was about 7 and my parents got into yet another argument and my mom wanted a divorce. It was that night I walked in on my dad with a shot gun under his chin. Now he probably would of never done it and it was all for show but at 7 years old that doesn't cross your mind. It was the next day that our mom picked us up from school and we stayed in a abuse shelter in a location I won't say for their protection as it is still in use today. The divorce was nasty as to be expected and me and my sister was yet again put in the middle of it with both sides telling us what to say to the judge in their favor. Well neither of them liked what the judge did. He took us away from them and put us with our father's mother. As she was the best option at that time. Everything was fine and both parents were really out of the picture except for when one of them would want to see us.
I never did really want anything to do with either of them as I was older and could see right through them and my sister couldn't. So both my parents never did want anything to do with me then. Which was fine by me. Except then they wanted my sister and not me. They both tried many times to get custody of my sister and not me but luckily the judge would not have it and still deemed them both unfit.
I was barely 12 when My grandfather divorced my grandmother and left her to raise me and my sister alone. Which was not easy for her. But what scared me the most was when I was told by my uncle that I was now the man of the house and had to protect that property. When you 12 years old you don't think about protecting you family like I was forced to. Even though I had protected my sister for all those years. I was not mentally prepared for what life was about to throw at me.
It was less than 6 months later when I was home alone with an injured knee and my deranged father came to my grandmothers house with a gun demanding to get my sister. That was the night that I really lost any compassion and respect for my father that I had left. That night while he was beating on the door and threatening to kill me. I had an .223 assault riffle in the hallway to protect myself with the gun cocked, safety off and the barrel pointed right at the door with 30 rounds heading his way. I knew that if he came through that door I would have to shoot and kill my own father. Luckily he never came through that door. But I did tell him that if he came through that he was a dead man. And I know he knew I meant every word of it. This was one of the darkest points in my life.
When I was 13 the divorce proceedings of my grandparents were over and the three of us were ordered to vacate the home. This was the one place that I ever felt safe in and now the judge took it away. That was the last time I ever felt like I had a home.
My grandmother didn't have much money so she provided for us the best she could. Always making sure we had food clothes, and a warm roof over our heads. That was until it became to much and we couldn't keep up with the rent any longer. Then we moved in with my Great Aunt for a while. We moved around quite a few times. Making it the best we could. My mom had seemed to have fallen completely off the face of the earth and it really didn't matter to us. We were just always worried about making it on our own.
When I was about 14 or 15 out luck ran out and we got really low on money and lost yet another place to live. My grandmother had really lost all hope and joy in life and I was noticing more and more that she was starting to give up. My sister went to live with my aunt and uncle. I was stayed with my grandma to watch her. I felt it was like returning the favor for all those years that with out her I may of not been alive today. We didn't have no other place to go so we went to live with her three brother who lived in a little old shack that was 60 years old and run down back in a "holler". There was only room enough for one to sleep inside. My grandmother told me that she would sleep out in our minivan. It was a cold winter and I didn't want my grandmother to have to sleep outside. So I absolutely refused and made her take the place inside. Every night for the next 7 months I would just wear two jackets to bed and fold down the last seat in the back of the van for a makeshift bed. Which when you 6 ft tall it isn't too comfortable but I always remembered it could of been worse. I could of not had a van like other kids that are homeless. And that is when it hit me that i was now at a bottom point in my life but refused to give up. I vowed that I would find a way to fix this. Like my uncle had said. I was now the man of the house.
The next summer I found a place to rent for 150 bucks a month. It wasn't big but it was a house and we could afford it. I remember when we first bought it that I would go there and sleep at night. For the first few weeks we couldn't move in as our stuff was stored and we couldn't move it yet. We never had anything not even much food. My grandmother still stayed with my uncles and I stayed at our new hose with a loaf of bread and a package of ham in a cooler. There was running water and electricity so compared to what I had been through the past 7 months it was like the 4 seasons to me. It was lonely but I started to get that safe feeling back again.
About two years later the owners of the house sold it without letting us know. We got a knock at the door from the new owners wanting a tour. That was how we found out it was even for sale in the first place. It was then that we moved here to London. I was only a month from 18 at that time. So I knew I had to get a job. I finally got a nice job. One that surprised everybody. I was working for a major company and made about 45000 a year. Which wasn't bad for a poor kid strait out of high school. But if there is anything that I do well it is what I did for this company. But like everything else that had been good in my life the job ended also after about a year and a half.
Which brings you to now I guess. I still don't have a public job but I have my own little home business that brings me enough money to get by. Even if not much else. It is more like a hobby.
Well like I said that was the short and condensed version. I am sure I will talk about other things but there is just too many to type about in this one post. I know I didn't talk much about my school life, Lol that is a book in it's self.
But I will talk about how I came to be a sort of activist if you will. I am all about equality and fairness which is surprising considering how I was raised but I became my own thinker and became my own person. I love to help people in life and something people just need a shoulder to lean on and talk. I have always been that person for a lot of people. People will talk to me and let things out that they never thought they would ever let out. I guess I am trusting in that way. Whatever you tell me always is locked down and never repeated except between us.
I don't let little things get to me anymore. I don't let people get under my skin either. I think that homosexuality is completely misunderstood by a majority of the population. SO my mission became to be a be a good representation of the LGBT community.
If you would like to know more about me don't be afraid to email me. There are no such thing as a stupid question.
~LookinginLondon
Well I guess I can give you a short version as like I said the long version would be a book.
My parents were really young when they decided to get married. My dad was 19 and my mom was 13. When my mom was 15 she had me. 21 months later my sister joined the family. My mom dropped out of high school when she got married and my dad worked for the county garage where we lived. My parents fit all the time and me and my sister were put in the middle a lot of the time. They were also drug users. Which is why to this day I have never tried any kind of illegal drug and never will. But this went on for years. Me and my sister were always walking on eggshells to stay out of trouble but it never seemed to happen. Our dad would always seem to take his frustration out on us. This went on until I was about 7 and my parents got into yet another argument and my mom wanted a divorce. It was that night I walked in on my dad with a shot gun under his chin. Now he probably would of never done it and it was all for show but at 7 years old that doesn't cross your mind. It was the next day that our mom picked us up from school and we stayed in a abuse shelter in a location I won't say for their protection as it is still in use today. The divorce was nasty as to be expected and me and my sister was yet again put in the middle of it with both sides telling us what to say to the judge in their favor. Well neither of them liked what the judge did. He took us away from them and put us with our father's mother. As she was the best option at that time. Everything was fine and both parents were really out of the picture except for when one of them would want to see us.
I never did really want anything to do with either of them as I was older and could see right through them and my sister couldn't. So both my parents never did want anything to do with me then. Which was fine by me. Except then they wanted my sister and not me. They both tried many times to get custody of my sister and not me but luckily the judge would not have it and still deemed them both unfit.
I was barely 12 when My grandfather divorced my grandmother and left her to raise me and my sister alone. Which was not easy for her. But what scared me the most was when I was told by my uncle that I was now the man of the house and had to protect that property. When you 12 years old you don't think about protecting you family like I was forced to. Even though I had protected my sister for all those years. I was not mentally prepared for what life was about to throw at me.
It was less than 6 months later when I was home alone with an injured knee and my deranged father came to my grandmothers house with a gun demanding to get my sister. That was the night that I really lost any compassion and respect for my father that I had left. That night while he was beating on the door and threatening to kill me. I had an .223 assault riffle in the hallway to protect myself with the gun cocked, safety off and the barrel pointed right at the door with 30 rounds heading his way. I knew that if he came through that door I would have to shoot and kill my own father. Luckily he never came through that door. But I did tell him that if he came through that he was a dead man. And I know he knew I meant every word of it. This was one of the darkest points in my life.
When I was 13 the divorce proceedings of my grandparents were over and the three of us were ordered to vacate the home. This was the one place that I ever felt safe in and now the judge took it away. That was the last time I ever felt like I had a home.
My grandmother didn't have much money so she provided for us the best she could. Always making sure we had food clothes, and a warm roof over our heads. That was until it became to much and we couldn't keep up with the rent any longer. Then we moved in with my Great Aunt for a while. We moved around quite a few times. Making it the best we could. My mom had seemed to have fallen completely off the face of the earth and it really didn't matter to us. We were just always worried about making it on our own.
When I was about 14 or 15 out luck ran out and we got really low on money and lost yet another place to live. My grandmother had really lost all hope and joy in life and I was noticing more and more that she was starting to give up. My sister went to live with my aunt and uncle. I was stayed with my grandma to watch her. I felt it was like returning the favor for all those years that with out her I may of not been alive today. We didn't have no other place to go so we went to live with her three brother who lived in a little old shack that was 60 years old and run down back in a "holler". There was only room enough for one to sleep inside. My grandmother told me that she would sleep out in our minivan. It was a cold winter and I didn't want my grandmother to have to sleep outside. So I absolutely refused and made her take the place inside. Every night for the next 7 months I would just wear two jackets to bed and fold down the last seat in the back of the van for a makeshift bed. Which when you 6 ft tall it isn't too comfortable but I always remembered it could of been worse. I could of not had a van like other kids that are homeless. And that is when it hit me that i was now at a bottom point in my life but refused to give up. I vowed that I would find a way to fix this. Like my uncle had said. I was now the man of the house.
The next summer I found a place to rent for 150 bucks a month. It wasn't big but it was a house and we could afford it. I remember when we first bought it that I would go there and sleep at night. For the first few weeks we couldn't move in as our stuff was stored and we couldn't move it yet. We never had anything not even much food. My grandmother still stayed with my uncles and I stayed at our new hose with a loaf of bread and a package of ham in a cooler. There was running water and electricity so compared to what I had been through the past 7 months it was like the 4 seasons to me. It was lonely but I started to get that safe feeling back again.
About two years later the owners of the house sold it without letting us know. We got a knock at the door from the new owners wanting a tour. That was how we found out it was even for sale in the first place. It was then that we moved here to London. I was only a month from 18 at that time. So I knew I had to get a job. I finally got a nice job. One that surprised everybody. I was working for a major company and made about 45000 a year. Which wasn't bad for a poor kid strait out of high school. But if there is anything that I do well it is what I did for this company. But like everything else that had been good in my life the job ended also after about a year and a half.
Which brings you to now I guess. I still don't have a public job but I have my own little home business that brings me enough money to get by. Even if not much else. It is more like a hobby.
Well like I said that was the short and condensed version. I am sure I will talk about other things but there is just too many to type about in this one post. I know I didn't talk much about my school life, Lol that is a book in it's self.
But I will talk about how I came to be a sort of activist if you will. I am all about equality and fairness which is surprising considering how I was raised but I became my own thinker and became my own person. I love to help people in life and something people just need a shoulder to lean on and talk. I have always been that person for a lot of people. People will talk to me and let things out that they never thought they would ever let out. I guess I am trusting in that way. Whatever you tell me always is locked down and never repeated except between us.
I don't let little things get to me anymore. I don't let people get under my skin either. I think that homosexuality is completely misunderstood by a majority of the population. SO my mission became to be a be a good representation of the LGBT community.
If you would like to know more about me don't be afraid to email me. There are no such thing as a stupid question.
~LookinginLondon
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Pretty good day.
Since I haven't been working lately. I have had a lot of time to myself. So I have been going to Levi Jackson State Park here in London to read. I went there today and discovered something. People aren't as friendly as they used to be. I remember when you used to go talk to people even if it was just to ask how their day was going. Now everybody just seems to go on by. Although today I sat in a spot that I normally don't. In the hour and a half that I was there I would say twenty cars pulled up and parked only to leave about a minute later. I know I am a pretty intimidating looking person but come on. So if any of you reading this happen to see some body reading in the park tomorrow between 3 to 5 why not say hello next time you stop. I love to converse with people.
~LookinginLondon
~LookinginLondon
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Arkansas School Official Accused of Anti-Gay Screed
LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas -- A member of a northern Arkansas school board, commenting on campaign to get people to wear purple to show support for bullied gay and lesbian youth, purportedly posted on Facebook that the only way he would wear purple is "if they all commit suicide."
The Arkansas Department of Education on Wednesday condemned the alleged posting by Midland School Board member Clint McCance.
The Advocate, a magazine that reports about gay issues, first reported about the posting on its website. The Facebook page has been disabled, but The Advocate posted a screen grab of the purported postings that it says someone forwarded to it.
McCance's alleged posting was in response to a Facebook campaign that asked supporters to wear purple last Wednesday to show solidarity after several gay and lesbian youths killed themselves, reportedly because of bullying.
"Seriously they want me to wear purple because five queers killed themselves," McCance allegedly wrote. "The only way im wearin it for them is if they all commit suicide. I cant believe the people of this world have gotten this stupid. We are honoring the fact that they sinned and killed thereselves because of their sin."
McCance didn't immediately respond to a message seeking comment Wednesday left on his voicemail. But he told the Arkansas Times that the issue had been "blown out of proportion" and he planned to issue a statement later Wednesday. Officials at the Midland School District said Superintendent Dean Stanley was out of the office and not available for comment.
The state Education Department said in a statement Wednesday that it had no jurisdiction over elected school officials but that it would investigate any reports of bullying that arise because of the incident.
The Arkansas Department of Education on Wednesday condemned the alleged posting by Midland School Board member Clint McCance.
The Advocate, a magazine that reports about gay issues, first reported about the posting on its website. The Facebook page has been disabled, but The Advocate posted a screen grab of the purported postings that it says someone forwarded to it.
McCance's alleged posting was in response to a Facebook campaign that asked supporters to wear purple last Wednesday to show solidarity after several gay and lesbian youths killed themselves, reportedly because of bullying.
"Seriously they want me to wear purple because five queers killed themselves," McCance allegedly wrote. "The only way im wearin it for them is if they all commit suicide. I cant believe the people of this world have gotten this stupid. We are honoring the fact that they sinned and killed thereselves because of their sin."
McCance didn't immediately respond to a message seeking comment Wednesday left on his voicemail. But he told the Arkansas Times that the issue had been "blown out of proportion" and he planned to issue a statement later Wednesday. Officials at the Midland School District said Superintendent Dean Stanley was out of the office and not available for comment.
The state Education Department said in a statement Wednesday that it had no jurisdiction over elected school officials but that it would investigate any reports of bullying that arise because of the incident.
Monday, October 25, 2010
I'm Back!
Sorry for the lapse on an update. I was real busy over the weekend and didn't get much of a chance to get online and post. But I did get to talk to my mom some more about my sexuality. When I talked to her again she didn't leave a doubt in my mind that she was more than OK with it. She supports me 100 percent. I think maybe she just forgot when she was talking to me on the phone because I still have my guard up even around her so I don't slip up around other people when I am with her.
But I did get to hang out with my step brothers this weekend. And we had a really cool time. Shot some pool. Hung out with some people. Just a nice relaxing weekend with no worries. But I do think they are starting to catch on maybe. I have only really got to know my two step brothers in the last 3 months. I have never had a brother before and I think they are starting to put two and two together. When we go out all they want to do is scout for chicks. I don't participate. But I don't scout for guys either. Although we were playing pool next to some cute guys who I sort of picked up may have been gay. They kept looking over and watching and when we would make eye contact they would smile and look away real fast. But I can see the surprise in their face when they look at a girl and go "would you hit that?" And I honestly say no. I don't lie. If somebody was to ask me if I was gay I might try to change the subject or if I have to I will not say anything. But I will not lie and say no.
Also I think they tried to get me to admit I was gay. But I couldn't tell if they were just playing around and teasing or if it was a round about way of trying to get the truth out of me without being blunt about it. I want so bad to tell them so I don't have to keep hiding it around them. But I am not totally sure that they would be really ok with it. I know one of them has a brother who is gay and he takes up for him. But the next breath he takes he can say something looks fagoty. So I pick up a mixed message.
I will have to do some more pondering on the subject I guess before I let my guard down to them. I know one day it is all going to come out and I think they will respect me more if they hear it from me and not from online or somebody else.
Well that is all for tonight I guess. Don't forget that if you are going through something similar or would just like to talk. You can email me at LookinginLondonky@gmail.com
~LookinginLondon
But I did get to hang out with my step brothers this weekend. And we had a really cool time. Shot some pool. Hung out with some people. Just a nice relaxing weekend with no worries. But I do think they are starting to catch on maybe. I have only really got to know my two step brothers in the last 3 months. I have never had a brother before and I think they are starting to put two and two together. When we go out all they want to do is scout for chicks. I don't participate. But I don't scout for guys either. Although we were playing pool next to some cute guys who I sort of picked up may have been gay. They kept looking over and watching and when we would make eye contact they would smile and look away real fast. But I can see the surprise in their face when they look at a girl and go "would you hit that?" And I honestly say no. I don't lie. If somebody was to ask me if I was gay I might try to change the subject or if I have to I will not say anything. But I will not lie and say no.
Also I think they tried to get me to admit I was gay. But I couldn't tell if they were just playing around and teasing or if it was a round about way of trying to get the truth out of me without being blunt about it. I want so bad to tell them so I don't have to keep hiding it around them. But I am not totally sure that they would be really ok with it. I know one of them has a brother who is gay and he takes up for him. But the next breath he takes he can say something looks fagoty. So I pick up a mixed message.
I will have to do some more pondering on the subject I guess before I let my guard down to them. I know one day it is all going to come out and I think they will respect me more if they hear it from me and not from online or somebody else.
Well that is all for tonight I guess. Don't forget that if you are going through something similar or would just like to talk. You can email me at LookinginLondonky@gmail.com
~LookinginLondon
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Question.
As you know I told my mother a week ago that I was gay. I though she took it well and she gave me some very encouraging words. But over the course of this past week when talking to her I am still picking up on some uneasiness about the situation. I don't talk about being gay with her still as that is not the type of person I am. Now I love my mom and I know she loves me but she is starting to show signs that she may not be as ok with it as I once thought.
When I talked to my mom tonight we were talking about how one of my step brothers have a huge problem of sleeping with... well everybody. He just turned 21 recently and loves to party at the bar. Recently he did a few things with several people he didn't know and lets just say a clinic visit wouldn't be such a bad idea for him. But he made the comment that when I turn 21 that we could go out and party. Now I am not the partying type. If I have a drink it is just that, a drink, and it is at home. But he want's to get me to do the same things as him. Which 1. I am gay so of course I am not going to lay with any woman. And 2. Even if I wasn't gay it isn't my personality to sleep around. But when I was talking to my mom she was telling me about this and was talking to me about women and how she knew I wouldn't do anything like that. But she kept referring to sex with women and relationships with women just like she forgot I was gay.
Now my question is. Should I confront her and ask her how she feels about it again to see if her response has changed? Or what should I do? I don't want her to drop little hints all the time to test the waters with me like one day I will get up and start dating women. It isn't going to happen. Should I talk with her again about it? I am just sort of taken back and it seems to be a step back in my progress of telling my family. This is one of the reasons I have kept it bottled up for so long. I can't stand for my family to dislike me. My step dad already uses me in arguments when him and my mom argue about us. His kids like to party and do drugs. My sister is even sort of a rebel. But I chose to put childish things down and be responsible . But every time there is an argument and she says something about his kids then I get brought into it. The only thing he can find right now is that I am more sensitive than his kids. Which trust me is not a bad thing. But I am afraid that if he found out that I was gay he would bring that up every time they argued. Something to the sorts of " Well at least my children are not fagots.". I am not sure he wouldn't say that at this point. My step brothers, I am almost positive that they would be ok with it. One of my step brother's half brother is gay and he is close with him. But I have heard my step dad talk bad about that bother as well.
I really wanted to save this for the forum but it just couldn't wait. I figured that if I held it in any longer then I would burst from the seams. I appreciate any comment or email. I need this group just as bad as some of you guys. I have issues that I would love to talk about also. But I just don't have friends that I could talk to about this. I have been thinking of telling my step brother but I am not 100 percent sure how that would go. I just would really like to talk to somebody close to me about it but this will have to do for now.
~LookinginLondon
When I talked to my mom tonight we were talking about how one of my step brothers have a huge problem of sleeping with... well everybody. He just turned 21 recently and loves to party at the bar. Recently he did a few things with several people he didn't know and lets just say a clinic visit wouldn't be such a bad idea for him. But he made the comment that when I turn 21 that we could go out and party. Now I am not the partying type. If I have a drink it is just that, a drink, and it is at home. But he want's to get me to do the same things as him. Which 1. I am gay so of course I am not going to lay with any woman. And 2. Even if I wasn't gay it isn't my personality to sleep around. But when I was talking to my mom she was telling me about this and was talking to me about women and how she knew I wouldn't do anything like that. But she kept referring to sex with women and relationships with women just like she forgot I was gay.
Now my question is. Should I confront her and ask her how she feels about it again to see if her response has changed? Or what should I do? I don't want her to drop little hints all the time to test the waters with me like one day I will get up and start dating women. It isn't going to happen. Should I talk with her again about it? I am just sort of taken back and it seems to be a step back in my progress of telling my family. This is one of the reasons I have kept it bottled up for so long. I can't stand for my family to dislike me. My step dad already uses me in arguments when him and my mom argue about us. His kids like to party and do drugs. My sister is even sort of a rebel. But I chose to put childish things down and be responsible . But every time there is an argument and she says something about his kids then I get brought into it. The only thing he can find right now is that I am more sensitive than his kids. Which trust me is not a bad thing. But I am afraid that if he found out that I was gay he would bring that up every time they argued. Something to the sorts of " Well at least my children are not fagots.". I am not sure he wouldn't say that at this point. My step brothers, I am almost positive that they would be ok with it. One of my step brother's half brother is gay and he is close with him. But I have heard my step dad talk bad about that bother as well.
I really wanted to save this for the forum but it just couldn't wait. I figured that if I held it in any longer then I would burst from the seams. I appreciate any comment or email. I need this group just as bad as some of you guys. I have issues that I would love to talk about also. But I just don't have friends that I could talk to about this. I have been thinking of telling my step brother but I am not 100 percent sure how that would go. I just would really like to talk to somebody close to me about it but this will have to do for now.
~LookinginLondon
Monday, October 18, 2010
Wonderful weekend!
It has been a wonderful weekend. Fall has always been one of my favorite seasons. Only season I love more is winter. But I love fall because the mountains around here are always beautiful with the fall foliage. I also love to walk in the woods this time of year. You can see better with the light getting through to the ground and find all kinds of cool things.
I have always wanted to go to the natural bridge. I have never been but a lot of people I know have. I love to go in groups though. That way you can talk and have a good time as you hike. Sort of boring when you go with yourself. The only time I like to go by myself is when I need to think about something. Hiking is a great way to clear my head. The fresh air, the sounds of nature. Just so soothing.
I have taken a lot of hikes recently. I have had a lot on my mind about a lot of things. From my professional life to my family even about what I am doing with this group. Some times I think to myself... What are you doing? Your not doing anything but stirring up a hornets nest. I have gotten death threats, hate mail, called every name in the book. But then I get email from people, you know who you are, that thank me for what I am doing. I get email from supporters and fans. But the emails that truly keep me going are the ones where they say that people like me give them better hope for the future. I never fathomed that this little support group would touch people the way it has. People who are just like me and afraid of what family may think about them or what the public may think about them. I understand where they are coming from. I wished that when I was younger I had somebody to talk to about all this. It would of made life so much easier to of had a friend who understood and supported me. So you can send me ten death threats but one email from a fan or somebody reaching out to talk about it makes your threat seem so petty and small that it doesn't matter anymore.
I will be here and It will only get better. I also have plans in the future to purchase a domain name so I don't have to have such a long address. Any Ideas? Also the forum project is still on track. I have been building relationships with those that seem interested in joining it. Remember it will be by invite only so as to protect the anonymity of others. And to be a safe heaven where anything can be discussed without fear of being called out.
~LookinginLondon
I have always wanted to go to the natural bridge. I have never been but a lot of people I know have. I love to go in groups though. That way you can talk and have a good time as you hike. Sort of boring when you go with yourself. The only time I like to go by myself is when I need to think about something. Hiking is a great way to clear my head. The fresh air, the sounds of nature. Just so soothing.
I have taken a lot of hikes recently. I have had a lot on my mind about a lot of things. From my professional life to my family even about what I am doing with this group. Some times I think to myself... What are you doing? Your not doing anything but stirring up a hornets nest. I have gotten death threats, hate mail, called every name in the book. But then I get email from people, you know who you are, that thank me for what I am doing. I get email from supporters and fans. But the emails that truly keep me going are the ones where they say that people like me give them better hope for the future. I never fathomed that this little support group would touch people the way it has. People who are just like me and afraid of what family may think about them or what the public may think about them. I understand where they are coming from. I wished that when I was younger I had somebody to talk to about all this. It would of made life so much easier to of had a friend who understood and supported me. So you can send me ten death threats but one email from a fan or somebody reaching out to talk about it makes your threat seem so petty and small that it doesn't matter anymore.
I will be here and It will only get better. I also have plans in the future to purchase a domain name so I don't have to have such a long address. Any Ideas? Also the forum project is still on track. I have been building relationships with those that seem interested in joining it. Remember it will be by invite only so as to protect the anonymity of others. And to be a safe heaven where anything can be discussed without fear of being called out.
~LookinginLondon
Friday, October 15, 2010
Councilman spoke out for gay teens 'who might be holding gun tonight'
http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/10/15/councilman.burns.gay.bullying/index.html?hpt=C2
STORY HIGHLIGHTS
* Fort Worth Councilman Joel Burns made emotional 13-minute plea during meeting
* Burns shared his story of being bullied and called names for being gay
* His message was for teens "holding the gun tonight, or the rope or the pill bottle"
* Burns hopes teachers, parents and country can take steps to stop an upsetting trend
(CNN) -- It started with an emotional 13-minute-long plea at a local council meeting in Fort Worth, Texas.
Councilman Joel Burns struggled to maintain his composure Tuesday as he shared his story about being gay and bullied as a child and how the recent rash of child suicides because of bullying has torn him apart.
Burns told CNN in his first national interview Friday that he felt he had to say something because it was clear that not enough was being done to stem the crisis.
And as someone who dealt with the same issues, he wanted to share the advice he wished someone had told him as a child.
"The reality of it is, it gets better in ways you can never fathom as a 13- or 14-year-old. Times are dark, and you're either being harassed or bullied inside the school or outside the school. You have a household that may not accept you; there may be any kind of abuse around it," Burns told CNN.
"There's just no hope that there's life after your adolescence and after your teenaged years. I have often thought, wouldn't it be wonderful if I could go back to the me that existed as a teenager that really didn't think that the future was all that bright at times, and show him just the amazing, wonderful things that have happened in the course of my adult life?"
So Burns took it upon himself to tell his story in the hopes it might make a difference for someone else.
Video: Bullying victim's plea goes viral
In his plea during the meeting, he didn't only talk about bullying or how kids should be nice to each other. He shared his personal story: a story of being bullied as a child for being gay, to the point where his thoughts turned dark, too.
That 13-minute plea caught national attention in part because of his brutal honesty. The video, which has gone viral on YouTube, has amassed more than 540,000 page views and is being regarded by many as one of the most emotional pleas about bullying children who are gay. (Watch the full 13-minute plea here.)
"I was cornered after school by some older kids who roughed me up," Burns said during the council meeting. "They said that I was a f** and that I should die and go to hell, where I belonged."
Burns struggled to maintain his composure during that plea -- his voice was quivering, and at times, he cried -- but he continued on in a personal and blunt way.
"I think I'm going to have too hard a time with the next couple of sentences that I wrote. And also, I don't want my mother and father to bear the pain of having to hear me say them," he said. "I have never told this story to anyone before tonight. Not my family, not my husband, not anyone. But the numerous suicides in recent days have upset me so much and have just torn at my heart."
Telling his story was not for attention or about him, Burns said.
"This story is for the young people who might be holding the gun tonight, or the rope or the pill bottle. You need to know that the story doesn't end where I didn't tell it, on that unfortunate day," Burns said during his plea. "There is so, so much more."
Those words, he said, might give teens what he needed as a child: hope.
The numerous suicides in recent days have upset me so much and have just torn at my heart.
--Fort Worth Councilman Joel Burns
RELATED TOPICS
* Bullying
* Fort Worth
* Suicide
"Life got so much better for me," he said. "Give yourself a chance to see how much better life will get. And it will get better."
On Friday, he cited being interviewed on CNN as an example.
"I mean, I wish I could show the 13-year-old not only all the things that I said in that video, he said. "But the fact that I'm on CNN today is something I never would have guessed as a 13-year-old or any other age, for that matter."
He's gone from an unknown local councilman to an impromptu spokesman, telling his story to a national audience because he can't stand to see children suffer like he did.
"The recent rash of suicides is indicative of the fact that we're not doing our jobs in that regard," he told CNN, referring to adults, officials and school workers.
Burns said it is adults who must step up and offer their hand.
"The very first thing, I think, for the parents, the teachers and the school administrators is to tell those kids it's OK, to know that you have power," he said. "Let that kid know that it's OK that there's someone who might stand up for them, there's someone they can lean on, someone who will have their backs. It's important to give their kids that permission and say, hey, I know times are hard for you. If you ever need a friend, let me know, and I'll be there for you."
But he said it's also about society changing and realizing the impact the comments people make, sometimes unknowingly, will have on someone else.
For example, a few of the suicides Burns referred to in his plea: Asher Brown, 13, who shot himself; Justin Aaberg, 15, who hanged himself; and Seth Walsh, whose mother found the 13-year-old hanging by a rope from a tree at their home in California.
Burns told CNN that those kids were just a sampling of the impact of bullying across the country.
In fact, the mother of 11-year-old Jaheem Herrera, who hanged himself after allegedly being bullied at a Georgia school, asked the White House on Friday for help in a campaign to end school bullying.
It is for those kids and others struggling who he was speaking to and for -- in hopes that the country can reverse an increasingly upsetting trend.
"It's about creating a safe place for our kids to go to school. And even when they're out of school and they're at a local convenience store or at the shopping mall or wherever they are, that they're not subjected to the kind of really just over-the-top harassment and bullying that we have seen," Burns said.
"Some of the guys that I referenced at the beginning of my comments, they had survived literally years of harassment and bullying that has largely, according to their parents, gone unanswered from the administrators and the principals and teachers," he said. "And that's something that has to stop."
STORY HIGHLIGHTS
* Fort Worth Councilman Joel Burns made emotional 13-minute plea during meeting
* Burns shared his story of being bullied and called names for being gay
* His message was for teens "holding the gun tonight, or the rope or the pill bottle"
* Burns hopes teachers, parents and country can take steps to stop an upsetting trend
(CNN) -- It started with an emotional 13-minute-long plea at a local council meeting in Fort Worth, Texas.
Councilman Joel Burns struggled to maintain his composure Tuesday as he shared his story about being gay and bullied as a child and how the recent rash of child suicides because of bullying has torn him apart.
Burns told CNN in his first national interview Friday that he felt he had to say something because it was clear that not enough was being done to stem the crisis.
And as someone who dealt with the same issues, he wanted to share the advice he wished someone had told him as a child.
"The reality of it is, it gets better in ways you can never fathom as a 13- or 14-year-old. Times are dark, and you're either being harassed or bullied inside the school or outside the school. You have a household that may not accept you; there may be any kind of abuse around it," Burns told CNN.
"There's just no hope that there's life after your adolescence and after your teenaged years. I have often thought, wouldn't it be wonderful if I could go back to the me that existed as a teenager that really didn't think that the future was all that bright at times, and show him just the amazing, wonderful things that have happened in the course of my adult life?"
So Burns took it upon himself to tell his story in the hopes it might make a difference for someone else.
Video: Bullying victim's plea goes viral
In his plea during the meeting, he didn't only talk about bullying or how kids should be nice to each other. He shared his personal story: a story of being bullied as a child for being gay, to the point where his thoughts turned dark, too.
That 13-minute plea caught national attention in part because of his brutal honesty. The video, which has gone viral on YouTube, has amassed more than 540,000 page views and is being regarded by many as one of the most emotional pleas about bullying children who are gay. (Watch the full 13-minute plea here.)
"I was cornered after school by some older kids who roughed me up," Burns said during the council meeting. "They said that I was a f** and that I should die and go to hell, where I belonged."
Burns struggled to maintain his composure during that plea -- his voice was quivering, and at times, he cried -- but he continued on in a personal and blunt way.
"I think I'm going to have too hard a time with the next couple of sentences that I wrote. And also, I don't want my mother and father to bear the pain of having to hear me say them," he said. "I have never told this story to anyone before tonight. Not my family, not my husband, not anyone. But the numerous suicides in recent days have upset me so much and have just torn at my heart."
Telling his story was not for attention or about him, Burns said.
"This story is for the young people who might be holding the gun tonight, or the rope or the pill bottle. You need to know that the story doesn't end where I didn't tell it, on that unfortunate day," Burns said during his plea. "There is so, so much more."
Those words, he said, might give teens what he needed as a child: hope.
The numerous suicides in recent days have upset me so much and have just torn at my heart.
--Fort Worth Councilman Joel Burns
RELATED TOPICS
* Bullying
* Fort Worth
* Suicide
"Life got so much better for me," he said. "Give yourself a chance to see how much better life will get. And it will get better."
On Friday, he cited being interviewed on CNN as an example.
"I mean, I wish I could show the 13-year-old not only all the things that I said in that video, he said. "But the fact that I'm on CNN today is something I never would have guessed as a 13-year-old or any other age, for that matter."
He's gone from an unknown local councilman to an impromptu spokesman, telling his story to a national audience because he can't stand to see children suffer like he did.
"The recent rash of suicides is indicative of the fact that we're not doing our jobs in that regard," he told CNN, referring to adults, officials and school workers.
Burns said it is adults who must step up and offer their hand.
"The very first thing, I think, for the parents, the teachers and the school administrators is to tell those kids it's OK, to know that you have power," he said. "Let that kid know that it's OK that there's someone who might stand up for them, there's someone they can lean on, someone who will have their backs. It's important to give their kids that permission and say, hey, I know times are hard for you. If you ever need a friend, let me know, and I'll be there for you."
But he said it's also about society changing and realizing the impact the comments people make, sometimes unknowingly, will have on someone else.
For example, a few of the suicides Burns referred to in his plea: Asher Brown, 13, who shot himself; Justin Aaberg, 15, who hanged himself; and Seth Walsh, whose mother found the 13-year-old hanging by a rope from a tree at their home in California.
Burns told CNN that those kids were just a sampling of the impact of bullying across the country.
In fact, the mother of 11-year-old Jaheem Herrera, who hanged himself after allegedly being bullied at a Georgia school, asked the White House on Friday for help in a campaign to end school bullying.
It is for those kids and others struggling who he was speaking to and for -- in hopes that the country can reverse an increasingly upsetting trend.
"It's about creating a safe place for our kids to go to school. And even when they're out of school and they're at a local convenience store or at the shopping mall or wherever they are, that they're not subjected to the kind of really just over-the-top harassment and bullying that we have seen," Burns said.
"Some of the guys that I referenced at the beginning of my comments, they had survived literally years of harassment and bullying that has largely, according to their parents, gone unanswered from the administrators and the principals and teachers," he said. "And that's something that has to stop."
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Apology
I must apologize to you guys on how far off topic some of the post on topix have been getting. Arguing is not not one of my missions with this project. I want to be here as a support network for others like us and for ones wanting to know more about homosexuality. I just got so frustrated when somebody who is uneducated on the real fact about homosexuality get on there and post that 70 percent of homosexuals are child molesters. Child molesters have a different mentality to be so low as to pick on an innocent child. They are their own sick community.
But I do appreciate all the support that was shown backing up the lgbt community on topix. Just goes to show you that we are getting our voice.
I also want to pass along the news from yesterday. A federal judge has ruled the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy of the military unconstitutional and has order a immediate stop to it's enforcement worldwide. This is wonderful news how ever news today says that the Obama administration may plan on appealing the decision. I hope that if they do they appeals court finds that the rule is in fact unconstitutional and upholds the federal courts decision.
~LookinginLondon
But I do appreciate all the support that was shown backing up the lgbt community on topix. Just goes to show you that we are getting our voice.
I also want to pass along the news from yesterday. A federal judge has ruled the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy of the military unconstitutional and has order a immediate stop to it's enforcement worldwide. This is wonderful news how ever news today says that the Obama administration may plan on appealing the decision. I hope that if they do they appeals court finds that the rule is in fact unconstitutional and upholds the federal courts decision.
~LookinginLondon
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Trying to make up for past misstake.
Recently I had been bothered by something that I had done earlier this year. I had to see for myself just one last time before I truly embraced being a homosexual if I was attracted to a woman. I had talked to a girl for a little while and had not really got real close but it was farther than just backing out and walking away with no feeling getting hurt. This girl was really an amazing and caring person. But I just didn't feel anything for her relationship wise just like with every other girl I had dated. I wanted to tell her everything and get it over with but she was getting ready to go into surgery and I didn't want to upset her. So before her surgery I just quit communicating with her. I figured this would be the best way to do and hope that she just ruled it off as me just being another asshole of a guy. I really hated doing this but I thought it was best at the time for her as I wanted to upset her the least I could with her upcoming surgery.
So anyways it had been a little while and it kept bothering me. So I talked with her on Facebook for a while and apologized for what I had done. But I also told her the reason. As you know there are not a lot of people that know that I am gay. I have not come out to nobody in my family except my cousin's partner and my mom this previous weekend. But I figured that for what I had done I at least owed her that. I told her that I thought what I did at the time was the best thing to do but had since realized otherwise. I asked her if we could still remain friends because she is such a good person. She accepted my apology and we are going to remain friends.
What I have learned is to not use other people and play with their emotions to figure out your own. I could have handled it a lot better and I already knew the answer to my question when I started talking to her. I was able to repair my mistake. But it may not work out the same way the next time and you could end up loosing a very good friendship in the process.
~LookinginLondon
So anyways it had been a little while and it kept bothering me. So I talked with her on Facebook for a while and apologized for what I had done. But I also told her the reason. As you know there are not a lot of people that know that I am gay. I have not come out to nobody in my family except my cousin's partner and my mom this previous weekend. But I figured that for what I had done I at least owed her that. I told her that I thought what I did at the time was the best thing to do but had since realized otherwise. I asked her if we could still remain friends because she is such a good person. She accepted my apology and we are going to remain friends.
What I have learned is to not use other people and play with their emotions to figure out your own. I could have handled it a lot better and I already knew the answer to my question when I started talking to her. I was able to repair my mistake. But it may not work out the same way the next time and you could end up loosing a very good friendship in the process.
~LookinginLondon
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Sorry about the late update
I know I said I would post an update last night but I was a little late on doing so. But here is it.
I talked to my mom yesterday. I asked her if she remembers the post I showed her that lookinginlondon had posted. She goes yeah. So I told her "Mom I am lookinginlondon". She then asked me " So your gay?" and I told her yeah mom I am gay". She just said "Well I am happy that you can tell me this son". And we talked about Lookinginlondon and some other projects that I am taking on and she told me that she was real proud of me. And that last comment is the one that made me fill with pride. For my mom to tell me she was proud of what I was doing for the lgbt community trumped any bad comment or negative email I have ever received.
It feels like a thousand pounds have been lifted off my shoulders. We have talked about it all day. She is more than ok with it and it has given me a new found courage. Yesterday was definitely one of the best days of my life. I no longer have to hide this from my mom. Thanks for all the encouraging email I received also. I appreciated all the good luck that everybody sent my way.
Thanks,
LookinginLondon
I talked to my mom yesterday. I asked her if she remembers the post I showed her that lookinginlondon had posted. She goes yeah. So I told her "Mom I am lookinginlondon". She then asked me " So your gay?" and I told her yeah mom I am gay". She just said "Well I am happy that you can tell me this son". And we talked about Lookinginlondon and some other projects that I am taking on and she told me that she was real proud of me. And that last comment is the one that made me fill with pride. For my mom to tell me she was proud of what I was doing for the lgbt community trumped any bad comment or negative email I have ever received.
It feels like a thousand pounds have been lifted off my shoulders. We have talked about it all day. She is more than ok with it and it has given me a new found courage. Yesterday was definitely one of the best days of my life. I no longer have to hide this from my mom. Thanks for all the encouraging email I received also. I appreciated all the good luck that everybody sent my way.
Thanks,
LookinginLondon
Friday, October 8, 2010
Big news!
This weekend I have finally decided to come out to my mother. I have talked with her about it and I even have showed her some of the post from lookinginlondon and she likes them and agrees. I am going to tell her tomorrow that I am lookinginlondon. I will provide an update of what happens tomorrow night. So check back in tomorrow night to read about it.
~Lookinginlondon
~Lookinginlondon
Thursday, October 7, 2010
A post on topix I thought I would share
A lot has to do with the lack of proper education of the homosexual lifestyle. People from around here have been taught that it is wrong, nasty, disgusting and you will go strait to hell if you are gay. But that is why there are groups, websites and bloggers just like me who are willing to be patient and understanding of why they think the way they do and try to correct them on the misconceptions that they may be instilled with. But you have to remember that if we don't want them to group us all together then we can't group the strait community all together. People doing drugs, abusing a spouse or molesting a family member has nothing to do with the sexual orientation of the person doing it. There are gay drug dealers and users. There are gay couples who may be in an abusive relationship and there are gay people who do prey on family and other people. These are people in their own group. We can't say that all strait people are the above, no more than I would want somebody to say that all gay people are perverts who want nothing but to have sex constantly. It is untrue.I just don't understand why people hate on gays. We don't judge you idiots for getting drunk and beating your wives, or cooking dope, or molesting your cousins- yet we are the ones who get judged. Me and my girlfriend are two of the most kind, respectful and not to mention beautiful girls I know. Hate on me if you want to but I'm a lot happier than you will ever be homophobes!
I know you mean well in your response and I know it is out of anger. But if there is one common goal that I am striving for is for not a strait community or a gay community. But one community. One common goal of understanding and one Nation United in this fight for the same rights for homosexuals that is granted to everybody else.
~Lookinginlondon
N.J. Senator Seeks Anti-Bully Law After Suicide
AP
In this 2009 photo, Tyler Clementi plays with the Ridgewood High School Orchestra at a benefit dinner.
NEW BRUNSWICK, New Jersey -- A U.S. senator said Wednesday he'll introduce legislation requiring colleges to adopt a code of conduct that prohibits bullying and harassment following the suicide of a student whose gay sexual encounter in his dorm room was broadcast online.
Sen. Frank Lautenberg, a Democrat, made the announcement at a town meeting on the Rutgers University campus in memory of 18-year-old freshman Tyler Clementi.
Clementi, a promising violinist, jumped off the George Washington Bridge into the Hudson River on Sept. 22 after the intimate images of him with another man were webcast, and his body was identified days later.
Clementi's roommate, Dharun Ravi, and another Rutgers freshman, Molly Wei, both 18, have been charged with invasion of privacy, and authorities are weighing whether bias crime charges should be added.
Clementi's death has prompted a national discussion on the plight of young gay people and bullying. The Rutgers event, organized by the university and the gay rights activist group Garden State Equality, drew about 300 students and others, including U.S. Sen. Robert Menendez, U.S. Rep. Frank Pallone and actress Judy Gold, a Rutgers graduate.
Oct. 3: People participate in a candlelight vigil for Rutgers University freshman Tyler Clementi at Brower Commons on the Rutgers campus in New Brunswick, N.J.
"No one could have heard about this degradation he suffered without feeling pain themselves," Lautenberg said. "This is a major problem, and we're going to fix it."
Gold expressed outrage at the pain inflicted on Clementi.
"What happened to him was not just an invasion of privacy. This was just sick," she said.
Lautenberg said his bill would require colleges and universities that receive federal student aid to create policies prohibiting harassment of any student. Such policies are not currently required by federal law, he said. The bill also would provide funding for schools to establish programs to deter harassment of students.
Clementi's death was one of a string of suicides last month involving teens believed to have been victims of anti-gay bullying. Just days after Clementi's body was recovered, more than 500 people attended a memorial service for a 13-year-old central California boy, Seth Walsh, who hanged himself after enduring taunts from classmates about being gay.
Earlier Wednesday, Ravi's lawyer, Steven D. Altman, issued a statement saying he was "heartened to hear" that investigators are taking their time "to learn all the facts before rushing to judgment" about whether to file bias charges against his client. Altman said he hoped the public would do the same.
"I am confident that nothing will be learned to justify, warrant or support the filing of any bias criminal complaint," Altman said.
Middlesex County prosecutor Bruce Kaplan said earlier this week that he wouldn't rush the investigation into Clementi's death. His spokesman said Wednesday there was nothing new to report.
Lawyers for Wei released a statement Tuesday saying she was innocent and extending sympathy to the Clementi family.
"This is a tragic situation," the statement said. "But this tragedy has also unfairly led to rampant speculation and misinformation, which threaten to overwhelm the actual facts of the matter. Those true facts will reveal that Molly is innocent."
Ravi, of Plainsboro, and Wei, of Princeton, each could face up to five years in prison if convicted on the invasion of privacy charge.
Clementi's family has said little. In a statement last week, it said it hoped the tragedy would "serve as a call for compassion, empathy and human dignity."
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
New Link
http://unitedwestandky.com/ Kentucky LGBTI news. You can also subscribe to automatically receive updates.
This really made me laugh when I seen it.
This was taken by somebody I know. It was taken at the London Kentucky Walmart. I had to laugh when I seen this on their Facebook profile. This is yet another reason why I am doing what I am doing. Every comment I seen posted about this picture was about how idiotic this person was to post such a sign. I am able to laugh about such a sign. Especially when there is a lawn chair strapped in the back. But others may see this sign and not be able to laugh it off. They may see this as the public hating gays. Let me remind you that this is the action of one individual who has yet to be educated on the facts of homosexuality. Remain strong and hold your head up high when you see such a sign and just laugh it off. That is what the majority of the people who see it are going to do. I hope the person who made this sign reads this blog post and and the post I will make on topix as a sign of my own. You did nothing but embarrass yourself.
~LookinginLondon
Monday, October 4, 2010
Pleased!
I have been very pleased with the progress this site is making. I have got the forum project underway as well. When that is completed I will send out invites to those of you who are interested and I have checked out to the best of my ability to ensure a safe environment. I also have loved all the comments that I have been given through emails and chat post about this project. "Most" people have agreed that it is something we have needed brought to the attention of the public for many years. Again I am not going to let this die down. I will not be discouraged. And I will not quit. I just know that there is somebody out there that is struggling with this and thinks they will not find support anywhere. But you will always be able to find support here. Just send me an email and if you need to talk I will give you a phone number that you can reach me at. My passion has been always been to help others in need. I just had my head in the wrong direction. Like I said before, this is something that I have known all my life but only in the past year have I come to accept it fully.
Also on the right side of the page---->. There are some links to sites with more information. Also I plan on adding more sites as I go on and if you have any suggestions please feel free to email me with them. It has also been brought to my attention about parents that want a better understanding of their gay son or daughter or other family member. I plan to add link to site with information about that as well in the short term future.
Well as always thanks for stopping by and reading and supporting this great cause. I have had some people ask me about donations to help and as of right now non is needed nor will it probably ever be needed. Just opening my inbox and seeing the mail from supporters from not only here in Kentucky but from all over the country is reward enough.
Thanks,
LookinginLondon
lookinginlondonky@gmail.com
Also on the right side of the page---->. There are some links to sites with more information. Also I plan on adding more sites as I go on and if you have any suggestions please feel free to email me with them. It has also been brought to my attention about parents that want a better understanding of their gay son or daughter or other family member. I plan to add link to site with information about that as well in the short term future.
Well as always thanks for stopping by and reading and supporting this great cause. I have had some people ask me about donations to help and as of right now non is needed nor will it probably ever be needed. Just opening my inbox and seeing the mail from supporters from not only here in Kentucky but from all over the country is reward enough.
Thanks,
LookinginLondon
lookinginlondonky@gmail.com
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Article on religousdispatch.com
When I heard about the death of 15-year-old Billy Lucas early in September, I was terribly saddened. It is a tragedy when a young person completes suicide in the aftermath of daily torment and harassment. After this, I sat in stunned silence in front of my computer screen as news stories continued to appear about the suicides of 13-year-old Aposher Brown, 18-year-old Tyler Clementi, 13-year-old Seth Walsh, and 19-year-old Raymond Chase. Today, it is very clear to me that profound sadness and stunned silence is no longer a suitable, appropriate or adequate response.
From Lamentation to Indignation My sadness began to change into something different with each successive news story about another gay teen hanging himself, shooting himself, and jumping off of a bridge. As I saw the faces of these young victims and imagined the family and friends left to cope with the chaos of their suicides, my lamentation began to morph into an indignant fury.
My indignation grew as I shifted my gaze from the individual acts of suicide to the contexts in which these suicides are set. Suicide takes place for numerous reasons. Some seek relief from enduring physical and psychological pain that seems infinitely unrelenting and others after severe bouts of depression. These teens, however, were not seeking relief from some persistent, internal state of depression or physical illness. The pain they faced had an external source — the cruel, unremitting, merciless, pounding of daily humiliation, taunting, harassment and violence.
And all of this pain visited upon these young lives because of one thing they had in common: they were not heterosexual.
These suicides are not acts of “escape” or a “cop-out” from facing life. When LGBT people resort to suicide, they are responding to far more than the pain of a few individual insults or humiliating occurrences. When LGBT people complete suicide it is an extreme act of resistance to an oppressive and unjust reality in which every LGBT person is always and everywhere at risk of becoming the target of violence solely because of sexual orientation or gender identity. They are acts of resistance to a perceived reality in which a lifetime of violence and abuse seems utterly unavoidable.
The landscape upon which LGBT teen suicide is set calls for far more than our sympathy and sadness. There are times in which it is important to be guided to action by our anger. This is one of those times.
From Interpersonal Violence to Group Subjugation
Our response to bullying is a response to violence. Beyond the inflicting of individual pain, violence against lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people has effects far beyond the individual target. This is what Iris Marion Young terms “systematic violence” in her famous “Five Faces of Oppression.” It is a violence of instrumentality — violence with the effect of keeping an entire group subjugated and in a state of oppression.
Young argues, “Members of some groups live with the knowledge that they must fear random, unprovoked attacks on their persons or property, which have no motive but to damage, humiliate, or destroy the person”.* The only thing one must do to become victimized is to be a member of a particular group (e.g. to be gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender). We must widen our perspective from individual acts of bullying and violence to the instrumental purpose these serve in subjugating LGBT people to particular religious and cultural ideologies in which reality is defined from a strictly heterosexual perspective — and gay and lesbian people become non-persons.
As more churches and denominations ordain gay and lesbian clergy, more gay and lesbian people are featured in media, and more medical, psychological and psychotherapeutic organizations reject notions of the pathological in sexual minorities, dominant religious and cultural ideology is in a state of crisis. It is no longer an unquestioned assumption that heterosexual experience represents the definition of reality for all people. The power to define reality for the masses is at stake and this power comes with all manner of political and ideological implications. Thus, there is a vested interest on the part of the religious and political right in keeping LGBT persons silent and subjugated.
Whereas political rallying on issues like same-sex marriage and the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell serve to maintain some ground on the preservation of anti-gay cultural ideology, the intermittent reinforcement of violent attack is an even better tool to ensure the silence (and suicide) of LGBT people and their subjugation to the closet.
While a majority of LGBT people may avoid ever becoming the victim of a violence, none will be able to avoid the psychic terror that is visited upon LGBT people with each reminder that this world is one in which people are maimed and killed because of their sexual and gender identities. It is this psychic terror that makes life so difficult for many LGBT people. It is this psychic terror that does the heavy lifting of instrumental, systematic violence. It intends to silence and to destroy from within.
While most of us will never be physically attacked by another human being, all of us know we are targets.
A theology of anti-gay bullying
Anti-gay bullying is a theological issue because it has a theological base. I find it difficult to believe that even those among us with a vibrant imagination can muster the creative energy to picture a reality in which anti-gay violence and bullying exist without the anti-gay religious messages that support them.
These messages come in many forms, degrees of virulence, and volumes of expression. The most insidious forms, however, are not those from groups like Westboro Baptist Church. Most people quickly dismiss this fanaticism as the red-faced ranting of a fringe religious leader and his small band of followers.
More difficult to address are the myriad ways in which everyday churches that do a lot of good in the world also perpetuate theologies that undergird and legitimate instrumental violence. The simplistic, black and white lines that are drawn between conceptions of good and evil make it all-too-easy to apply these dualisms to groups of people. When theologies leave no room for ambiguity, mystery and uncertainty, it becomes very easy to identify an “us” (good, heterosexual) versus a “them” (evil, gay).
Additionally, hierarchical conceptions of value and worth are implicit in many of our theological notions. Needless to say, value and worth are not distributed equally in these hierarchies. God is at the top, (white, heterosexual) men come soon after and all those less valued by the culture (women, children, LGBT people, the poor, racial minorities, etc.) fall somewhere down below. And it all makes perfect sense if you support it with a few appropriately (mis)quoted verses from the Bible.
With dualistic conceptions of good and evil and hierarchical notions of value and worth, it becomes easy to know who it is okay to hate or to bully or, seemingly more benignly, to ignore. And no institutions have done more to create and perpetuate the public disapproval of gay and lesbian people than churches.
If anti-gay bullying has, at any level, an embodied undercurrent of tacit theological legitimation, then we simply cannot circumvent our responsibility to provide a clear, decisive, theological response. Aside from its theological base, anti-gay bullying is a theological issue because it calls for acts of solidarity on behalf of the vulnerable and justice on behalf of the oppressed.
But this imperative to respond reminds us that the most dangerous form of theological message comes in the subtlest of forms: silence.
The longer we wait, the more young people die
There is already a strong religious presence in the debate around anti-bullying education in schools. Unfortunately, it is not a friendly voice for LGBT teens. There is also no lack of rhetoric on sexuality stemming from theological sources. But the loudest voices are not the voices of affirmation and embrace. In a recent article, I urged churches that rest comfortably in a tacitly welcoming or pseudo-affirming position to come out and publicly proclaim their places of worship as truly welcoming and affirming sanctuaries for people of diverse sexual orientations and gender identities.
I cannot count the number of times I have heard well-meaning, good-hearted people respond to this appeal, saying, “Things are a lot better for gay people today than they were several years (or decades) ago. In time, our society (or churches) will come around on this issue.” To these friends and others, I must say, “It’s time.” For Lucas, Brown, Clementi, Walsh, and Chase the time is up. For these teens and the myriad other bisexual, transgender, lesbian and gay youth lost to suicide, the waiting game hasn’t worked so well.
As simply as I can state the matter: The longer we wait to respond, the more young people die.
If this were a hostage situation, we would have dispatched the SWAT team by now. And in many ways, it is. Our children and teenagers are being held hostage by a religious and political rhetoric that strives to maintain the status quo of anti-gay heterosexist normativity. The messages of Focus on the Family and other organizations actively strive to leave the most vulnerable among us exposed to continuous attack. The good news is that we don't need a SWAT team. We just need quality education on sexuality and gender identity in our schools and more faithful and courageous preaching and teaching in our churches.
Catholic theologian M. Shawn Copeland offers profound words to any individuals and churches seeking to wash their hands of this issue. She states,
“If my sister or brother is not at the table, we are not the flesh of Christ. If my sister’s mark of sexuality must be obscured, if my brother’s mark of race must be disguised, if my sister’s mark of culture must be repressed, then we are not the flesh of Christ. For, it is through and in Christ’s own flesh that the ‘other’ is my sister, is my brother; indeed, the ‘other’ is me…”If anti-gay bullying is a theological issue, perhaps what is called for is a creative theological response. A theological response that challenges the systematic violence that upholds an oppressive religious and cultural ideology will not be a response through which we can hedge our bets. It will be a full-bodied, whole-hearted giving of ourselves to the repair of the flesh of Christ divided by injustice and systematic exclusion.
Ministers who remain in comfortable silence on sexuality must speak out. Churches that have silently embraced gay and lesbian members for years must publically hang the welcome banner. How long will we continue to limit and qualify our messages of acceptance, inclusion and embrace for the most vulnerable in order to maintain the comfort of those in our communities of faith who are well served by the status quo?
In the current climate, equivocating messages of affirmation are overpowered by the religious rhetoric of hatred. Silence only serves to support the toleration of bullying, violence and exclusion. In the face of what has already become the common occurrence of LGBT teen suicide, how long can we wait to respond?
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