I mentioned in my last post, that my girlfriend is not "out." I said that we struggle daily with it. today is one of those days.
My girlfriend tested positive, a few months ago, for a BRAC-1 gene mutation. That means that she has an extremely high risk of breast cancer and other female cancers. (almost a 90% chance in her lifetime) This risk is made higher by the fact that she is over 34 and has never had children, and the fact that she is a smoker. So, anyway, they have decided to do all they can to minimize her risks, including surgery. Maybe more than one.
What put me in this mind set is the discussion we were just having about her first upcoming surgery. I have expressed to her many times that I want to be there with her. I want to be right there waiting when she wakes up, But I can not. I can not be there when she should need me to be there because her family does not know! I am hurting so bad over this right now that I can hardly stand to breathe. I cant see the screen for tears welling up, and threatening to spill over.
I love this woman with all my heart and would do anything for her, and I can not be there when she wakes up!
Though this is a routine surgery, there is a very high chance that once they go in, they will find cancer that has been undetected by testing. This is because there is not a lot of tests that can check for that kind of cancer. I am scared to death over this. I would feel better if I could be there, to know right away that she is ok. I will not know anything or find out anything until she is able to call me, because her family is clueless, and why would they call a friend just to say it went ok.
She has been a lesbian her entire adult life. She has never been out and there are very few people that are not gay/lesbian that know about her. She has had serious relationships before but I am the first she has dated that has been completely open about their sexuality. I dont know how she has kept it hidden for so long, I know I could not! I have hope that eventually she will come out but after 17 years I seriously doubt it. I dont know what the consequences would be for her if she did. The things she says would happen seem less likely after meeting the people involved, but that makes it no less true I suppose.....
I am fully prepared to love this woman for life, no matter what comes our way. It really is hard living like this and som days I feel like it is too much, but then I see her or hear her voice and I know that I can do it! Our love is strong enough that we can overcome anything!
Anyway, i think I have ran out of steam! Thanks for reading! :-)
1 comments:
You said "The things she says would happen seem less likely after meeting the people involved, but that makes it no less true I suppose"
Which in her mind they are completely true. Even though what she thinks may happen may in fact not. In her mind that is the only route she could see that conversation going with them. We can only hope that she will over come her fear at some point but that is totally up to her. I know it is frustrating but I put up the same wall because of the same thoughts I have about how my conversation would go with family.
But as far as you going to her surgery I don't see how anybody would draw up any conclusions by just being there. I mean if my best friend went in for surgery I would want to be there for him. I doubt that anybody would really read into it. Especially since they know you guys are pretty good friends anyways.
But I understand your pain and appreciate you sharing. I know it is hard to be fully out and you partner not. Especially since I myself am not out to many people.
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